


The Taming of The Widow

by phoenix_173



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Darcyland, F/M, FalconWidow, Odin...or is it?, Pietro Lives, SO MUCH FLUFF, Sam Wilson is a national treasure, ShieldShock - Freeform, Story within a Story, Various background characters - Freeform, Vision calls Helen Cho 'mother' and it's adorable, Volstagg and Hogun love a good love story, WinterCho, and Marvel ladies being awesome, and crack, background couples up the wazoo, because of course he should live, but everyone lives and it's all good in the hood, cause that's how I roll, fight me, let's just pretend that Civil War happened, movies and comics, not slow-moving Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6541822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenix_173/pseuds/phoenix_173
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time...in a kingdom long ago and far away...there lived two sisters, one very dateable and one more poisonous.  Sort of.  Darcy has been forbidden to date without her Fury appointed chaperone, the Black Widow.  Steve would be able to date Darcy, and Bucky would be able to date Helen, so long as their buddy Sam will woo Natasha Romanoff as well.  It sounds easy enough, but the course of truest love never did run smooth.</p><p>AKA: Thor is in charge of story time in Asgard, and he tells the tale of a trio of romances underway in the new Avengers Facility, in only a way Thor could.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Midsummer's Day's Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy it.

**Chapter One: A Midsummer’s Day’s Meeting**

 

* * *

* * *

_ In a Kingdom, long ago, and far away, lived two sisters.  Never more different could two sisters be, at least in behavior and demeanor, but their love for one another was genuine and powerful, despite all differences.  They were the daughters of fair Lord Nicholas of the Furious.  And although they shared the looks of their long dead mother in their pale skin, cobalt blue eyes and pouting lips, the eldest daughter, Natasha had hair the color of flame whilst Darcy, the youngest of the daughters had hair as dark as coal. _

* * *

"--wait, Thor, you speak of Darcy, yet I know she is your lightning sister, the little one who felled you with one blow!  She is not the kin of Natasha the Terrifying!"

Hogun glared at Volstagg's outburst, Fandral was too far gone in the cups to do anything, but it was Sif who smacked Volstagg upside his head.

"You asked for a story, our Prince is giving you a story!" Sif hissed.  "Hold your tongue or Hogun will cut it out for you."

"Aye aye!" Fandral waved his hand about before slumping forward and placing his head on the table.

* * *

_ The ladies' demeanors were as different as night and day, though they managed to hold great love for each other.  The Lady Darcy was kindness and sweetness and humor, where as the Lady Natasha was guarded and calculating and---and--- _

* * *

"She was a shrew!" Fandral sat upright at once, holding his hands up in the air happily.  "And everyone knows the meanest of shrews are the best in the activities of the bedchamber!"

Hogun didn't bother letting Sif hush Fandral.  He wanted to hear the latest stories from Midgard.  Thor had been back one full day and he hadn't managed to tell one tale yet.  So Hogun did the only thing he could, he smashed the unyielding ceramic of his large mug of ale against the back of Fandral's head.  He then gave the future leader of Asgard a bright, tightlipped smile and motioned for him to go on.

* * *

_ The Lady Darcy and the Lady Natasha lived in their father's house.  Lord Nicholas of the Furious had a large and sprawling estate in the north of the New York.  It was like a small village, this village of SHIELD, where everyone worked to ensure the safety of the entirety of Midgard.  Lady Darcy was in charge of all the little scientists, making sure they were well cared for, even the most esteemed and beautiful of scientists, Doctor Jane. _

_ Doctor Jane was the most brilliant in all the land, and was also the most beautiful of all the ladies in all of the realms.  Her bountiful brain lay under hair the color of honey wheat, her eyes as rich and exotic as the Midgardian chocolate delicacy, her feminine bounty greater than--- _

* * *

"Thor!"  _ Odin _ rolled his eyes from the other side of the room, where he had deigned to listen in (eagerly).  "We all know what Jane looks like, and we all are very aware that you are ridiculously besotted with her."

"Right, then, our story will continue," Thor smiled as he thought of Jane one last time. 

* * *

_ Whilst Lady Darcy spent her time feeding and caring for those that were not entirely suited to take care of themselves, the Lady Natasha spent all of her time protecting those that could not protect themselves.  She had found herself to be one of the fiercest warriors in all of Midgard, and had saved her entire species more than a few times.  The evil doers of Midgard knew to fear the Black Widow, as she was usually called.  _

_ Actually, not only evil doers feared the Black Widow.  _

* * *

Thor paused and shook his head, revising his thought, "Everyone feared the Black Widow.  It was the smart course of action to take, after all, when one knew what the Black Widow was capable of.  Never before was a more fearsome lady warrior of both the body and the mind to be found on Midgard."

"My Prince Thor, no," Volstagg furrowed his brow. He gestured to Sif with his head insistently, lest Thor insult the lady present.

"Aye, I have thought this through enough, Sif is fearsome in battle, that is to be sure, but Natasha would not let a battle between the two come down to the physical," Thor nodded.  "She would destroy Sif emotionally first."

Sif nodded in agreement.  She had had the honor of meeting Natasha on her last visit to see Colonel Rhodes.  Natasha was fearsome indeed, and Sif was a wise enough warrior to admit that even if she could best the Midgardian in weaponry, she would be devastated in other ways.

"Please continue," Sif nodded.

* * *

_ Both of the fair ladies under Lord Nicholas' care were renowned in the village of SHIELD.  Lady Darcy was coveted openly by males and females of all kinds for her kindness, sweetness and good humor.  Lady Natasha, was, of course, considered desirable, but no man or woman had the gumption to try and win her heart.  It was believed by many, that a poisonous tongue and wicked mind and the ability to poison a person without trying very hard at all was too high of a cost for the Lady Natasha's favor. _

_ Our story truly begins in the small village of SHIELD, when one afternoon, Lady Darcy was greeted by two suitors.  Sir Johnny of the Storms, a wild man with an untamed heart, had coveted the Lady for many Midgardian years, but had always been too busy in the chase of the skirts to apply himself to win her hand.  Also, the young Lord Pietro, from a far off land had taken quite a fancy to her... _

* * *

 

 

"Hey hot stuff," Johnny Storm grinned down at Darcy.  "Want to go make out in a supply closet?  I think I spotted one right inside the hallway."

"Really, dude?  Was it the supply closet that Tabitha from Communications sexually serviced you in this morning?" Darcy asked knowingly.

"Hey, there was no servicing," Johnny argued.  "There was hands over the clothing groping and a little light making out."

"She changed into a turtleneck," Darcy disputed.  "In July."

"If you'd agree to let me take you out, then a lot of the ladies in this facility wouldn't be wearing turtlenecks anymore," Johnny shrugged.

"Dude, helping or hurting your case right now?" Darcy laughed.

"C'mon, I can get us tickets to anything in the city right now," Johnny promised.  "Come out with me.  Give me one night."

"I'm on house arrest, you know this," Darcy reminded him.

"Fury's still got you on house arrest?" Johnny furrowed his brow.  "That was like...months ago."

"Apparently I'm a threat to national security," Darcy shrugged.  "I’m on a list and everything.  You know he's going to make me take my chaperone."

"Shit, Romanoff?  Fuck no," Johnny shuddered. 

"Thought so," Darcy laughed, giving Johnny a wave before walking out of the facility doors, her hands gripping three medium sized gift bags full of all sorts of things three new permanent residents of the upstate New York facility would need.  

Nick Fury, former director of SHIELD, and unofficial legal guardian to one Darcy Marie Lewis, had appointed her to be the welcoming committee a few weeks ago, when the brand new facility re-opened after the  _ events  _ of the spring.  He had hoped it would keep her busy enough to stay out of trouble, as Natasha couldn't be expected to keep an eye on her all the time, and any time Barton had with the girl was spent getting into even more mischief.  And the last thing Fury wanted to do was let Darcy have any more free time with Wanda, Jane and Helen.  The quartet got into all kinds of shenanigans when Natasha was not there to reel them in. 

It was why Darcy was a threat to national security, after all.  You accidentally take down ONE rogue Hydra cell almost completely by accident and all of a sudden you're considered a weapon of mass destruction. 

So Fury tried to occupy her by giving the girl as many tasks as he could come up with.  Facility Welcoming Committee.  Facility Social Director.  Avengers Social Media Handler.  Official SHIELD Baker.  Scrapbook Committee chairperson.  Comfort Material Acquisitions Department Chair.  Darcy Lewis had more titles next to her name than any other person affiliated with SHIELD at that point.

 

Helen met her on the lawn with an enthusiastic wave.  

 

“I have the condoms!” She shouted out helpfully, holding up hands full of prophylactics.  

 

“Awesome,” Darcy laughed, walking up to her and holding the bags out.  

 

Darcy felt a breeze rush past her, and she rolled her eyes and looked down at the gift bags she had, not surprised that a bag of cookies was missing.

"WANDA!  Come and curb your dog!" Darcy yelled.

"I'm not a dog, darling," Pietro smiled, holding the bag of opened cookies up to his nose and inhaling. 

"Give those back! Those are for the Soldiers Three!" Darcy held out an impatient hand.  "They've been traveling for a long time and totally deserve cookies!"

It was true.  The Soldiers Three, aka Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, certainly deserved cookies.  After the events of the spring, they had spent a busy three months, recuperating and then going out and destroying Hydra cells.  In Bucky's case, the recuperation had mainly stemmed from destroying Hydra cells.  Now, after SHIELD’s and Stark's brightest had determined that Bucky was safe for human consumption, they were coming back to the Avenger's facility, making it their home base.

"Don't you dare put that in your mouth!" Darcy warned.  "You'll be sorry."

"I will be enjoying the delights you have created," Pietro waved off her threat.  "Nothing to be sorry for.  The only thing sweeter on this Earth would be your lips, darling."

He never even saw the kick to the back of the head coming, which was delightfully ironic and made Darcy laugh.  Natasha caught the bag of cookies as Pietro dropped like a ton of bricks.  She walked over to Darcy and gave her back the stolen goods, a soft smile on her face for the younger woman who she considered family. 

"Rude!" Pietro coughed out from his place on the lush grass of the facility's front lawn.

"There are times that I wonder why we let Helen heal you up," Natasha looked back at Pietro as he rolled over onto his back.  "Beat it before I tell Laura you were hitting on Darcy again."

Pietro was gone in a blink of an eye and Natasha looked down to the bags, her brow furrowing. 

"You made them lemon brownies."

"It's summer, the lemons are plentiful," Darcy nodded.  Natasha gave her the slightest downturn of her lips and Darcy laughed.  "There is a tray in our suite, and a hidden tray in your secret spot in the kitchen freezers."

"I adore you," Natasha gave her a kiss on her cheek.

Darcy never understood why other men were frightened of Natasha.  She was a lovely person when it came down to it.  Sure, she could kill a person by looking at them the right way, and she'd been the only human to mentally fool the God of Mischief...

( _ Odin huffed out an annoyed sigh _ )

But when it came down to it, Natasha was Darcy's favorite person on the planet.  So she didn't mind that Fury had essentially made it law that if Darcy wanted to go out and have fun outside of the facility, i.e., date anyone, she would have to bring Natasha along for the ride.  Natasha also had an awful lot of fun scaring away those that were unworthy of being a prospective suitor

It would be helpful to find someone to take Natasha out so that they could go on a double date.  If Natasha had her hands full with her own paramor, then she would be less likely to terrify Darcy’s beaus. Nat was decidedly uninterested though, ever since Bruce had abandoned her.  She had sworn off men completely.  Darcy couldn’t understand why.   Because she definitely missed the comforts of...men.  

A beat up old pickup truck rattled down the driveway, pulling up to a designated parking spot on the facility.  Darcy watched with excitement as three very tired men nearly fell out of the truck, one by one, looking road weary and battle scarred.  Natasha gave a smirk to all three of them as they ambled up the pathway to meet them.

"Hi! I'm Darcy, the official welcoming committee chairperson," Darcy waved enthusiastically. "Welcome home!"

“Welcome home,” Helen repeated dutifully.  Her involvement in the Welcoming Committee was blissfully small.  She provided condoms for the welcome bags and only had to wave and smile before Darcy took over for the tour.  She smiled at the newly arrived soldiers, mainly the one with the shaggy brown hair, giving him a small wink.

Bucky looked away from the adorable women (and the unimpressed, but still adorable Natalia) to glance at Steve, who returned his look before they  both stared back down at the small young woman who held up colorful little bags for them to take.

_ Home _ . 

They hadn't had one of those since 1942, really. 

Nothing sounded better.

"Boys," Natasha arched an unimpressed brow at them.

"Red," Sam smirked at her.  "How's business?"

"Deadly."

"So, would you like the tour first, or would you like to go to your rooms and freshen up and then have the tour?" Darcy wondered.  "The tour is non-negotiable.  I work very hard on the tour, and I like giving it."

Natasha gave the "soldiers Three" a look that stated in no uncertain terms that the three of them would be getting the Darcy led tour at some point.

"I'd like to clean up a little first, if that's alright with you, Miss Lewis?" Steve wondered.

"Clean up  _ a little _ ," Bucky repeated with a wry smirk.  "Punk stinks so bad he could catch fire under the sun.  He ain't fit for polite company such as yours, Miss Lewis."

"Oh no," Darcy's eyes widened looking between the two boys. They were adorable.  She spared a quick glance to Helen and was unsurprised to see her friend giving Bucky more than a few glance overs.  She could just imagine the commentary running through the young doctor’s head.   "Okay, I'll show you to your suite.  It's like a big apartment.  You're right across the hall from me and Nat and Helen, so yay!  Neighbors!"

* * *

As soon as the three soldiers had finished their showers in their en suite bathrooms, they had each rushed through, eager to see the rest of their facility.  And their  _ tour guides _ .  Steve was done first, truly the most efficient of shower-takers and his face fell when he entered their suite’s common area, seeing Nick Fury sitting complacently on the couch.  

 

Sam was next, slightly less efficient in the shower.  His face fell in a similar manner and Fury rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m beginning to feel unwelcome,” Fury arched an eyebrow.

 

“Well, yeah, these are our private quarters, it would kind of make sense that we’d be a little put off at you popping your back from the dead ass down on our couch,” Sam sassed back.

 

Bucky rushed out of his room, his hair still soaking wet, his shirt still stuck around his neck.

 

“Alright, fellas, let’s go, I want to see more of that pretty doct---oh,” he pulled his shirt down and gave Nick a disappointed, grumpy look.

 

“Charming,” Nick huffed a laugh.    “In a hurry, gentleman?”

 

“Miss Lewis is going to give us a tour,” Steve explained, his lips curving upwards of their own accord at the mention of the tiny ...assistant...liaison?  General caretaker?  Whatever she was, she was beautiful and sweet and kind and Steve finally believed in love at first sight.  

 

He tensed up, knowing that Bucky would pick on him at even thinking it.  But Bucky was preoccupied with his own thoughts, apparently, staring off at a corner of the wall, a pleasant smile on his face.  Steve recognized that look.  Bucky had had the dreamy, lovely smile on his face many a time after a night dancing with a pretty little something at the dance hall.  

 

“Jesus, it’s like you two have never known a woman before,” Sam shook his head, his mouth pursing in disapproving disbelief.  “Get it together, Barnes.  You are a legendary lady killer.  They made a damned movie about you!”

 

“They got a coupla things wrong,” Bucky huffed out.  Sure, he liked dames.  He romanced plenty of them in his day.  But he’d not done his romancing out of a need to get another notch on his belt.  He’d always just loved the feeling of falling.  The notches in his belt were simply a happy side effect. 

 

“And you, you were voted People’s Sexiest Man Alive, for the last two years,” Sam pointed at Steve.  “Do not let some pretty little lab assistant scramble your brains.”

 

“It’s not just that she’s pretty,” Steve huffed out.  “She’s a sweetheart.  And---I--I  _ like  _ her.”

 

“You’ve known her less than an hour!” Sam reminded him, only a tad bit hysterical.  “When we talked about going out and finding happiness and not waiting, I didn’t mean for you to go out and fall head over heels in love the next day.”

 

Fury surveyed the three soldiers with a smirk.  They were the answer to his problem.  Three birds.  Three stones.

 

Coulson liked to joke with him that he had collected a considerable harem of lady friends of the platonic variety.  It had a ring of truth to it.  Maria Hill, Natasha, Darcy, Jane, Helen, Sharon Carter, even young Miss Maximoff were his responsibility since they lived at the facility.  And that suited him just fine.  He was more at ease with strong, competent women surrounding him instead of hot-headed, testosterone fueled men.  

 

But Darcy had pushed him past his breaking point with her Hydra take down a few months back.  But he liked Darcy quite a lot and knew she didn’t mean to get into mischief.  Mischief found her. 

 

( _ Odin chortled again.) _

 

Fury didn’t want to be the bad guy and reign her in, but she couldn’t be left to her own devices.  She’d wind up in an inter galactic war in no time.

 

Darcy Lewis required a handler.

 

As a matter of fact all of his unofficial platonic harem needed handlers.  They all did.  And so did the hot-headed, testosterone fueled men.  

 

He’d have less headaches if they were all matched up appropriately.  

 

“What’s got you so sore, Wilson?” Steve demanded.  “There’s nothing wrong with us getting friendly with Miss Lewis or Dr. Cho…”

 

“Maybe he needs to get friendly with a lady himself,” Bucky chuckled.  “Maybe he’d be less of a smug self righteous bastard if he had a pretty little thing to moon over.”

 

“This conversation is moot,” Fury shrugged.  “No one will be romancing anyone in this facility.  Especially not Miss Lewis.”

 

“But Dr. Cho is available?” Bucky asked quickly.

 

Fury ignored him and looked right at Steve, “Miss Lewis doesn’t date and Dr. Cho doesn’t date out of solidarity.  Miss Lewis has a guard dog.  And she’s not dating anyone while that guard dog is in place.”

 

“What?” Steve furrowed his brow.  “You?”

 

“No, someone much worse,” Fury promised him.  “The only way Darcy is dating anyone, is if someone takes care of her guard dog.”

 

“Like... _ take care of _ ?” Bucky questioned, holding up a finger gun.  “Cause I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.”

 

“Easy there, tiger,” Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“Darcy dates someone when her guard dog dates someone,” Fury smirked.  “She’s not allowed to leave the facility without her guardian.”

 

“He’s Captain America,” Bucky huffed out in annoyance.  “Surely he can be trusted to take Miss Lewis out on the town.”

 

Fury laughed.  

 

And laughed.

 

Then laughed some more.

 

He was bent in half, chuckling darkly and uncontrollably for a full ninety seconds, making the other three men in the room very uncomfortable.  Finally he came up for air and shook his head.

 

“Darcy is ten pounds of trouble in a five pound sack and can get into enough life threatening situations in public by herself, thank you very much,” he chuckled.  “The very last damned thing she needs is an accomplice in the shit-stirrer that is Steven Grant Rogers.  I don’t need any more helicarriers falling out of the fucking sky.”

 

Bucky and Sam shrugged, knowing this was true.  Steve tried to act offended at the accusation that he was a shit-stirrer but couldn’t manage it so he shrugged.  

 

“Alright, who is the guard dog?  Sam can take a bullet for the team and date her,” Bucky suggested.

 

“Oh, can he?” Fury nodded, standing up from his seat and walking towards the door.  “Sight unseen?”

 

Steve gave Sam a hopeful look, with just the right amount of sad puppy that had Sam heaving a sigh.

 

“Sure,” he nodded.  “What poor SHIELD agent do you have assigned to Miss Lewis?”

 

“Natasha Romanoff,” Fury smiled, giving the soldiers a sarcastic salute before laughing his way out of the door.

  
  


* * *

 

_ And thus the challenge has been set.  Surely Samuel, Son of Wil, might rise to the indomitable challenge of wooing the Lady Natasha, also known as the Lady who would not be wooed.  The Black Widow Warrior of Midgard.  To soothe the path of true and glorious love between sweet Captain Steven and brave Lady Darcy, as well as Fair Sergeant Bucky and brilliant Doctor Helen, Samuel will face many a challenge… _

 

* * *

 

“Right after I visit the bathing chambers,” Thor announced, rising from his chair.  “I have drunk too much meade.”

 

“Hurry, you blasted fool!”  _ Odin _ grumbled.  It was most unfair for him to get right to the good part of the story only to leave it hanging in the air.

  
  


* * *

* * *


	2. Much Ado About Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kind words and kudos. They really mean a lot. <3

**Chapter Two:  Much Ado About Something**

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

_So the game has been set!  The chase is afoot!  The tangled web of wooing has begun!_

 

* * *

 

 

“You don’t remember where you left off, is that right, boy?” _Odin_ rolled his eyes.

 

“I have had much mead,” Thor admitted.

 

“Samuel the Son of Wil has agreed to pursue Natasha the Terrifying!” Volstagg happily and excitedly supplied.  “And the Captain of America has fallen in beautiful love at first sight with the cunning Lady Darcy!  And Barky of Barnes---”

 

“ _Bucky_ ,” Fandral corrected before hiccuping and laying his head back into his large mug of ale.  

 

“Has declared intentions for the clever Doctor Lady Helen!” Volstagg continued.  “So many heart matches to be made.”

 

Thor smiled indulgently at his friend.  Volstagg and Hogun loved a good heart match story.  That’s why he started his Midgardian tales with this particular one.  Nothing made his friends happier than tales of soft and glowing love.  Fandral preferred stories of a more sensual nature, and Sif preferred a tragedy but was not opposed to the softer tales.  

 

“And yet, still more to be told!” Thor promised.  “Many matches were made in Midgard during my time there…”

 

“More?” Hogun whispered excitedly.  

 

“More, my friend,” Thor nodded.  “The very next day...in the New Land of York, in the village of SHIELD…”

 

* * *

 

 

“So...is this about what happened the night Ultron attacked?  Because I apologized for what I said to Banner a million times.  I had no idea what you were going to do, and I had known I would have never---”

 

Sam glared at the man he had followed around the world for the last two years, wondering how in the hell he put up with him for so long.  Steve was painstakingly slowing his pace to run side by side with Sam around the track as the sun began to rise.  Steve looked incredibly awkward as he slowed his gait, actually it kind of looked like he was skipping so that he didn’t blow past Sam.

 

“It’s not making me feel better to have you skipping to my lou next to me,” Sam huffed out.  “Get the hell out of here, man, go your normal pace.”

 

Steve rolled his eyes and took off.  In no time, he had gone the quarter mile and was approaching Sam again.  Instead of his customary teasing, he muttered,

 

“You shouldn’t give up without trying.”

 

“I already did!” Sam hollered out as Steve flew past him.  

 

Another quarter mile from Steve brought,

 

“She _does_ like you, you know.”

 

“Man, get the hell outta here!” Sam huffed out, completing the quartermile lap to Steve’s half a mile.

 

“You told me I deserved to be happy,” Steve reminded him on the next lap.

 

“I take it back!” Sam grumbled.

 

“You helped me through it when I was depressed.  Told me not to give up,” Steve spat out really quickly on his next lap.  

 

Sam chose to ignore him.

 

“Just...just say you’ll try?” Steve asked on the next lap.  “It’d mean the world to me, Sam.”

 

“I fucking hate you, Cap,” Sam sighed.

 

“So that’s a yes?” Steve wondered on the next time around.

 

“It means I’ll think about it,” Sam grumbled.  Steve gave a triumphant whoop before increasing his speed even _more_.  Sam stopped running completely, trying to catch his breath as Steve found his way to him once again.  “Steven Grant Rogers.  I always thought the worst kind of shit you’d get me into would be gunfire, danger and imminent death.”

 

“Well, it’s _Natasha_.  That’s a given,” Steve smirked.  He clapped a hand on Sam’s shoulder, “Come on, Sam, let’s go hit the gym.”

 

“Ugh,” Sam rolled his eyes.  “Where the hell is Metal Beard?”

 

* * *

 

 

Helen was an early bird gets the worm kind of gal.  While her suitemates, Natasha and Darcy preferred to sleep, with Darcy being the kind of person to sleep until noon if she could, Helen still preferred to get a start on the day at dawn.  A person could get a lot done between the hours of five and seven in the morning.  She usually was through half of her research and had started the running on half a dozen experiments before any of the lab assistants or colleagues came shuffling in.

 

She breezed into her labs and FRIDAY brought up the lights for her, giving her a status report on the cradle’s processes that had been running overnight.  She walked into the cozy little office that Darcy had set up and furnished for her and there on her desk were ten large boxes of donuts.  

 

“Woah,” Helen’s eyes lit up.  She could eat through at least half of those boxes if she put her mind to it and didn’t decide to be a quitter.  “FRIDAY?  Did Darcy order donuts for the lab today?  It’s not Weight-Gain-Wednesday.  It’s Thirsty Thorsday.”

 

( _Volstagg lifted his mug in the air and shouted “FOR THORSDAY!” To which all of the other Asgardians cheered in happy reply)_

 

“No, Dr. Cho, Darcy has separate celebrations for... _Thorsday_.”

 

( _THORSDAY!)_

 

“Then why are the glorious donuts on my desk and can I eat them?” Helen questioned hopefully.

 

“Due to privacy protocols, I am unable to tell you who has brought the donuts, but you are, indeed expected to partake,” FRIDAY promised.

 

“It’s not Mother’s Day, is it?” Helen wondered, opening one of the boxes and immediately cramming a cherry topped donut messily into her mouth.

 

“No, Dr. Cho, that was in the Spring, it is now September,” FRIDAY reminded her.  

 

“Wow, that’s a lot of donuts.  You really know how to welcome a fella proper,” Bucky announced from the doorway.  He smiled when Helen turned to face him, her mouth an absolute mess of vanilla icing.  “Good morning, Doc.”

 

“Gomphnordnijng,” Helen answered back, her mouth absolutely stuffed with donut.  She gestured frantically to the donuts and wondered, “Wmould ymou mwike smome?””

 

“Don’t mind if I do,” Bucky reached out for something coated in shiny chocolate glaze.  He bit into it eagerly and nodded.  “Coffee would go great with these.”

 

“Mmhmm,” Helen crammed her mouth full of the delectable donut again, forgetting for a moment that Bucky was standing right next to her.  Helen, Wanda and Darcy had bonded so quickly thanks to one thing.  Food.  Food was always the priority. Clint had demanded on many occasions to know where the three of them put all the food they were constantly cramming into  their mouths.  

 

“Problem is, I’m new here, and don’t know where to find a decent cup of joe,” Bucky shuffled his feet, staring at a piece of sugary frosting on the divot in Helen’s upper lip.  He knew the donuts were good, but he hoped that his allure was better.

 

“MOH! CWOOFFWEE!” Helen shoved the rest of the donut into her already full mouth.   _Three bites_ , take that Darcy, former three and a half bite doughnut champion, you have been slain.  She wiped her hand on her hip before grabbing Bucky’s free hand, his left one, and pulling him out of her office.  “MOH! MHOLD MON!”

 

She drug him back into her office and grabbed two boxes of donuts, then turned around, intent on taking him to the greatest of coffee.  It was in Fury’s office, and Darcy had taught Helen all the tricks in getting in there for the good stuff.  Liquid gold.  Nicholas J. Fury did not mess around when it came to coffee.  

 

“We supposed to be in here?” Bucky wondered softly, still content in being led around by the energetic little doctor.  His left hand had never felt better than in her grasp.

 

“Eh, I’ve never been scolded for it,” Helen shrugged, starting up a carafe of the good stuff.  “Darcy would get scolded for it, but that’s because she _accidentally_ got into serious spy business last time she was in here unattended.  Nick actually prefers to have me do this, because I make the best coffee. Literally.  If you can find any other person who makes coffee better than me?  Well, that’s impossible.”

 

“Stevie’s ma used to brew a good cup, it was pretty impressive too, seeing as it was mostly chicory,” Bucky shrugged.

 

“Anyone _living_ ,” Helen clarified.  She gave him a confident smile as the smell of coffee began wafting through the air.  “If you think anyone living can brew a better cup than me, then I will track that person down, destroy them, rebuild them with my machines and then destroy them again.”

 

Bucky’s eyes widened at her proclamation.  He had spent the better part of the evening acquainting himself with the facility files, making use of Stark’s AI in order to get a more tactical, secure handle of his new home, and some of that had certainly necessitated reading staff files.  If he had read Helen’s file first, and then reread it a couple of additional times throughout the evening, well that was his business then, wasn’t it?  And if he had utilized FRIDAY to understand that Helen was a lover of early mornings and all things breakfast and breakfast food related, well, that was just polite to get to know your new neighbor.

 

And if he had gone out an hour earlier and driven the old pickup truck to a local bakery (twenty minutes away), well, that was just a thank you for such a lovely welcome the night before.  

 

It wasn’t because she was the prettiest dame he’d laid eyes on in over seventy years (Natalia didn’t count).  It wasn’t because he had been smitten with her long before she had built a tower out of the discarded pizza crusts from the impromptu pizza party Darcy had thrown the night before to welcome them.  

 

It was just good manners to be a nice neighbor, really.

 

He took the cup of coffee that Helen had fixed up for him, just enough cream to turn the liquid tan and absolutely no sugar.  He usually took his coffee black with half a pound of sugar, but the first sip of his mug had him converted to this way of fixing it.

 

“Feel free to worship at my Coffee God abilities,” Helen encouraged.

 

“Doc, you make coffee better than anyone living or dead, promise,” Bucky gave her a very slow, lopsided smile.  He was pleased when her cheeks tinged pink at his expression.

 

They both grabbed another donut and Helen did her best to try and get it in two bites.  She would wield the donut eating crown or she would choke trying.

 

“The donut ain’t going anywhere, Doc,” Bucky laughed.

 

“Mis mgoomd,” Helen shrugged.

 

“So....tell me the skinny on Miss Darcy Lewis.  I’m asking for a friend,” Bucky asked after swallowing.  He chugged another gulp of coffee, the perfectly bitter brew smoothing over all the sugar from the donut.  

 

“A star spangly friend?” Helen wondered before cramming her face again.

 

“Maybe,” Bucky shrugged.  “The punk is over the moon for her.  I think he was up late last night, composing sonnets in her name.”

 

“OH!  She would love that!  I mean, only if they were terrifically bad sonnets,” Helen clarified.  “She loves it when lovestruck idiots do idiotic things in a quest to get into her pants.”

 

“Hey now, Stevie wouldn’t chase her skirt,” Bucky furrowed his brow.  “And what do you mean, lovestruck idiots?  She got a lot of suitors?”

 

“Oh yeah, loads,” Helen sucked sugar off of her finger tips with an unawareness and innocence that had Bucky nearly groaning out loud.  “She’s really a popular girl, when it comes down to it.  I mean, they come for the boobs and they keep coming back.  For the boobs, but also because Darcy Lewis is pretty fantastic.”

“I believe it, even if she’s not who I think is the most fantastic here,” Bucky gave that slow smile again that had Helen blushing up pink and pretty.  “But...Fury said Darcy doesn’t date.”

 

“Oh no, we don’t date,” Helen shook her head.

 

“ _We_?” Bucky repeated.  

 

“Well, I mean, I don’t have any restrictions, but really it’s seems only fair that if Darcy can’t go out on dates, then I probably shouldn’t either,” Helen explained, poorly.  “And we do the same thing when Thor is gone.  You know.  Abstain from men out of deference to her loss.”

 

(“ _TO DOCTOR JANE! FUTURE QUEEN OF ASGARD!”)_

 

“That doesn’t seem...fun,” Bucky frowned.  “So, Fury said Darcy could step out with a fella if Natasha stepped out with her.  S’that true?”

 

“Oh yeah, Darcy isn’t allowed to be in public without Natasha to keep her reigned in.  I mean, she’s gotten into some pretty amazing things without Natasha there,” Helen nodded.  “And by she, I mean, she’s gotten US into some pretty amazing things, and by amazing things I mean huge amounts of trouble.  Also arrested.”

 

“So why doesn’t the little lady just convince Natasha to be a chaperone?” Bucky wondered.

 

“She’s a twenty-seven year old woman, she doesn’t want a chaperone,” Helen laughed.  “Double dates would be seen as acceptable.  A court appointed guardian is just too absurd.”

 

“So...in order for you to stop abstaining from dating, then Darcy needs to start dating,” Bucky nodded.  “And in order for Darcy to start dating, Natasha needs a date.”

 

“Yes.  It sounds ridiculous when you say it like that, but that’s our current situation,” Helen nodded.  “I’m sure that Steve could find _someone_ to help him out.”

 

“Yeah,” Bucky drained his mug of coffee and held it out to Helen for a refill with a thankful smile.  He was _definitely_ going to have to pester Wilson some more.  This Natasha thing had to happen.  “We know someone.”

 

* * *

 

_In other parts of the village of SHIELD, Lady Darcy was woken at the unacceptable hour of seven in the morning.  It was an ongoing struggle between the two sisters of the heart.  For Lady Darcy loved to slumber for as long as she could, but Lady Natasha required an earlier start in order to more adequately prepare the younger sister for any and all danger that may come her way.  While the Lord Nicholas of the Furious did not approve of these endeavors, they were still completed four days out of the week, much to Lady Darcy’s chagrin._

 

* * *

 

 

“Wake up, Darcy.  Wake up now!  Don’t make me bring the Claw.”

 

Darcy whimpered at the Russian words being spewed at her.  Natasha always spoke in Russian to her when she was trying to rouse her from sleep.  Something about making her brain more alert by forcing her to translate the words.  

 

“Five more minutes…” Darcy mumbled, burrowing herself deeper into the covers.

 

“You want to use the training room before the recruits get in, you know this,” Natasha reminded her patiently.  Darcy _loathed_ performing her self-defense lessons for a crowd.  

 

“Please no!” Darcy whined, rolling in her bed so that the comforter wrapped around her like a tortilla.  “I want to be a Darcy blanket chimichanga.  Leave me be.”

 

“You keep talking about yourself as a chimichanga and I will make sure Wade visits the facility again to continue his efforts in matchmaking,” Natasha warned.

 

“Shit, I’m up, I’m up, don’t send Wade after me!” Darcy rolled herself out of bed, landing on her butt.  Wade Wilson wasn’t romantically interested in her, but he had deemed himself her platonic soulmate and made it his life’s goal to find her the right romantic soulmate.  There had been tournaments organized in her honor.  It had been mortifying.  

 

She was a walking zombie as Natasha dressed her in her workout gear and pushed her out the door.  She didn’t actually remember walking to the training room closest to their living quarters, but she did remember hissing angrily at the bright morning sunshine before she found herself swaying on her feet on the mats.  She rearranged her body into a lazy fighting stance and beckoned for Natasha to come at her with her hand, Bruce Lee style before _actually_ falling asleep standing up, snoring a little.

 

“Hey, Cap?  Mind giving me a little help?” Natasha called out.  

 

The sound of a weightlifting bar filled to the max with heavy weights clattered to the floor and Darcy opened one bleary eye to see Steve rushing into view, standing next to Natasha, a shy smile on his face as he stared at her unabashedly.  She blinked a few times, trying to get herself more alert, resorting to smacking her cheeks into wakefulness.

 

“Good morning, Miss Lewis, you look---you look lovely,” Steve babbled.

 

Natasha snorted.  Darcy was wearing old yoga capri pants with mismatched knee high socks, two different sneakers on her feet and a bright orange sports bra over top of her sleep t-shirt that was emblazoned with Mjolnir.

 

(“ _TO MJOLNIR!”)_

 

Her face was devoid of all makeup, and there was a red mark on her forehead where she had slept on her phone.  Her hair was divided into pigtails on either side of her head.  The right was braided messily but the left was wild and curly and unrestrained.  

 

She looked sleep rumpled and adorably messy.   _Lovely_ might have been a little bit of a reach though.  

 

“You look like you don’t want to be here,” Sam smirked as he walked up to the trio.  He glared at Steve and accused, “You almost dropped four hundred pounds on my foot, dude.  Uncool.”

 

“Sorry, but Natasha and Miss Lewis needed my help,” Steve shrugged, completely unapologetic.  He arched an eyebrow at Sam.  If Sam didn’t want his foot crushed, he could damn well move out of the way.  Did his friend _not_ see how adorable Darcy looked as she continued to try to keep her eyes open?  

 

“We do need his help,” Natasha nodded.  She pointed at Darcy and ordered, “Rogers, attack Darcy.”

 

“ **WHAT?** ” Steve’s eyes went wide with horror.

 

“I have been training her to protect herself, with the emphasis of disabling attackers and running,” Natasha rolled her eyes.  “Would you rather she be ambushed someday?  And not know how to get away unhurt?”

 

“But---I…”

 

“It’s okay Captain Rogers, I know you wouldn’t hurt me,” Darcy insisted.  “Just dial the super strength down to like, negative five.  Bad guys don’t look like Natasha.  They’re usually bigger and more guy like, so this will be excellent practice.”

 

“Call me Steve, please,” he smiled at her.  Her moxy and spirit were giving him a warm fuzzy feeling from the tips of his toes to the top of his chest.  

 

“Steve,” she smiled at him.

 

Sam and Natasha rolled their eyes in unison.  Then they glared at one another.  

 

“Does she have a weapon?” Sam demanded of Natasha.

 

“I’m not allowed to have weapons,” Darcy sighed.  “Saint Nick took my taser and put it in his secret lock box.  Apparently Stark modified it too well, and I’m only allowed it in the event of a mass extinction event.”

 

“That’s okay, Miss Lewis, Bucky won’t let me handle guns anymore,” Steve assured her.  “I blew up an oil tank by accident on one of our missions this summer.”

 

“Cause you’re shit with guns,” Sam huffed out in annoyance.

 

At the same time as Natasha stating, “You’re awful with firearms, Rogers.”

 

They glared at one another again.  

 

“Call me Darcy, please,” she smiled at Steve, completely, blissfully unaware of the heated glares passing between Sam and Natasha.  

 

“Darcy,” Steve’s grin was bright and winsome.

 

“Okay, Steve, come at me,” Darcy bounced on the tops of her toes and beckoned with her hand again.

 

Both Natasha and Sam stopped glaring at each other to watch the shenanigans unfold.  Steve took a deep breath before nodding and taking a few tentative steps towards Darcy, his arms outstretched in a play to grab her shoulders.  He looked like he was approaching her for a slow motion hug and Natasha snorted.

 

“WEAK!” Sam called out.  “Attack her properly!”

 

“She’s a lady, Wilson!” Steve sassed back.  “I’ve met your mother, I know she taught you how to properly act with a lady.”

 

“The goal is to prepare her for attackers of the deadly kind, not attackers of the cuddly kind, “ Sam laughed.  “Get in there Rogers, make a grab for her.”

 

Steve wrinkled his nose and continued his slow and gentle approach.  

 

Natasha swore in Russian and turned to Sam.

 

“Come at me,” she ordered.

 

“Uhm, hell no,” Sam shook his head.  “My momma raised me to properly act around ladies, and she also didn’t raise no fool.”

 

“I won’t hurt you, Wilson,” Natasha insisted.  “ _Much_.”

 

“Yeah, put your money where your mouth is,” Steve taunted.  “Unless you’re turning chicken.”

 

Darcy made a chicken noise, much to Steve’s troll monster delight.  Sam huffed a sigh before shaking his head and rushing at Natasha very suddenly, going for a tackle instead of a grab.  He didn’t know what she did, and it had probably happened far too fast for even the cameras to record, but he was flat on his back with her foot on his throat before he knew it.  

 

“Woah, I couldn’t do that if I tried,” Darcy’s eyes widened.  For an unenhanced individual, Sam had been very fast in his attack, but Natasha had been much quicker.  The flip had been brutally quick and Sam had landed with a thwacking crash on the gym mats.  Darcy looked to a smirking Steve and said, “Don’t worry, handsome, I won’t be able to get you on your back like that.”

 

“You’d be surprised,” Steve couldn’t help the flirty sass blurting out of his mouth, but his cheeks grew bright red in response and he put up his hands.  “I’ll go slow.”

 

“Not too slow, sometimes a girl likes it fast,” Darcy winked at him.  

 

“If you guys start making out, warn a guy,” Sam grumbled, pulling himself to his feet slowly.  

 

“Grab her, Rogers,” Natasha ordered.

 

Steve nodded before taking two quick steps, his arms out.  Darcy’s eyes went wide and she froze, letting Steve wrap her up in his arms and lift her off the ground, holding her against him.  He smiled down at her and shrugged.  

 

“Next time you’ll stop me, sweetheart,” he said softly.

 

“Darcy!  Unlocking maneuvers!” Natasha barked out, before giving a few harsh words in Russian.

 

“Oh!  Okay!” Darcy nodded, finding her brain again after the initial euphoria of being essentially in a lovely embrace with Steve.  

 

The top of her head came crashing down against his nose, nearly breaking it and her little feet kicked against his shins before her feet were flat on his knees, pushing off and getting a little wiggle room on his hold.  She brought her knee into his groin in two quick strikes until he dropped her and she landed an uppercut to his chin that had him stumbling backwards.  She used his stupor and pain as a distraction to run away, darting straight to the ladies locker room.  The scraping of metal could be heard, and Sam and Steve realized she was pushing lockers against the door to keep attackers out.

 

“Excellent job, little one!” Natasha called out.  “You can come out now.”

 

“I don’t want to!” Darcy squeaked from inside the locker room.  

 

“You can’t stay in the locker room forever,” Natasha disputed, going towards the door and pushing gently against it.  It didn’t budge.  Darcy had done very well.  “What’s the matter?”

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt him!” Darcy panicked.  “He was bleeding!”

 

“I’m fine, I’m fine, Darcy!” Steve insisted, looking around wildly for a cloth or towel to wipe the blood that had trickled out of his nose.  “That was amazing!  You did really well!”

 

“Are you okay?” she worried from the other side of the door.  

 

“He’s taken worse beatings, Darcy,” Sam promised her.  He turned to Steve and reached out to straighten the man’s nose very quickly.  “You can’t beat up a guy without buying him dinner, anyway.”

 

The scraping of metal echoed from the locker room and Darcy’s head peeked out of the door.  She grimaced at the sight of Steve holding a towel to his nose.  

 

“I’m so sorry!” she fretted.  

 

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Steve promised.  He pulled away the towel, to reveal that his nose had already stopped bleeding.  He gave her a beaming smile, “That was impressive, sweetheart.  I’m real proud of you.”

 

“So...dinner, then?” Darcy wondered.  She looked at Natasha quickly with beseeching eyes.  “At our suite tonight?  I mean, technically, Natasha beat up Sam today too, so he deserves dinner.”

 

“You tricky little imp,” Natasha said in a whisper.

 

“You can invite Bucky too, although I don’t want to have to beat him up.  I mean, I will if I have to, don’t get me wrong,” Darcy nodded.  “Still, dinner.  Do you guys like tacos?”

 

* * *

 

 

_And so the clever Lady Darcy had manipulated her sister into a courting ritual on Midgard, the friend hangout date.  The goal was to socialize and get to know one’s intended lover without being too...formal._

 

* * *

 

 

“Who cares about Midgardian courting rituals!” Odin barked out.  “Repeat the part where Darcy Odinsdottir lays waste to the Captain.  Again!”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 


	3. The Comedy of Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And to round out your weekend. Chapter three! Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement. I'm saving all my typing for writing, but know I'm grateful for all the support. And super glad you're all enjoying yourselves. <3

**Chapter Three:  The Comedy of Lovers**

 

* * *

* * *

  
  
  


_ Midgard is a strange place, as you well know, but perhaps strangest of all their rituals is their courting ritual.  Strange, yet beautiful.  Instead of winning a beloved's hand in glorious battle, or providing the gift of a defeated enemy or even a beast slain in magnificent struggle, Midgardians would move at a snail's pace and provide comfort items rather than prove their superiority in any other way.  _

_ And rather than immediately show evidence of their virility, stamina and superiority for any potential mates, Midgardians were fond of a delicate dance of trepidatious wooing.  _

 

* * *

 

“Flowers?”

 

“The florist said the gardenias were the best she’d ever gotten in.  Three bouquets will be ready for us in half an hour.”

 

“Three?” Sam furrowed his brow at Steve’s pronouncement.  “Why do we need  _ three  _ bouquets?”

 

“It ain’t proper to go and have a dinner date with a gal without bringing her something, especially when she’s providing the dinner,” Bucky glared at Sam.  “I was brainwashed and turned into a murder machine for seven decades by Hydra.  Even I know you can’t show up empty handed when a gal’s spent time making dinner for you.”

 

“Okay, but flowers?  Candy?” Sam rolled his eyes.  “Maybe for Dr. Helen and The Captain Slayer Lewis, but you want me to give a bouquet of gardenias to the Black Widow?”

 

“And this box of chocolates,” Steve dug in the bags he and Bucky had procured.  

 

“Useless, you two are useless,” Sam accused.  “I’m going to the liquor store and I’m buying their most expensive, most imported, most Russian bottle of vodka they have.  You two go back to the florist and ask if they have any pretty cactuses.  Or venus fly traps.”

 

“He’s got a point,” Bucky conceded with a shrug.  “Oh, let’s go to that shop over there, Helen might like new coffee to brew up.  For me.  Also, do you think that breakfast place would deliver to the facility?”

 

“Hold on, you go there,” Steve nodded, his face brightening as he came up with a much better plan for Darcy’s gift.  “I’ve got a better plan.”

* * *

 

 

"I find the Midgardian custom very enchanting!" Volstagg claimed heartily.  He had been overly delighted to hear Thor's stories of his courting of the future Queen Doctor Jane.  "There is something to be said for these Midgardians who hold their hands within each other's hands rather than drop their robes and fall into bed!"

"Rubbish!" Fandral argued.  "You fell into bed eagerly enough with your own mate, Volstagg, you have eighteen children to prove that fact."

"Yes, but still, the holding of hands is very nice," Volstagg grumbled. 

"If you would let him continue, you could hear all the details of holding hands that you could want!" Sif hissed at him.

"My apologies, please, do continue," Volstagg nodded.  "But there is hand holding to be had, is there not?"

"Aye, hand holding is plentiful," Thor promised.  "Although, one of our couplings may take a more Asgardian view of courting than Midgardian."

"Surely the Black Widow will make Sam, Son of Wil prove his virility!" Fandral clapped his hands together in delight.

"Nay, the one armed soldier and the doctor are clearly the---"

"Yet you forget the impish little Darcy, claimed by the Allfather as his own progeny!" Odin insisted.  "She shall make Asgard proud and insist that the unworthy Captain show his virility. And when he is found lacking, we shall bring her to Asgard and hold courting trials for all of the nine realms’ fiercest warriors and rulers to win her hand!"

All the other Asgardians looked to Odin curiously.  He shook himself out of his plans and nodded at Thor.

"Continue, Son."

 

* * *

 

Bucky and Steve were smart enough to realize that they had, perhaps, gone a little overboard.

They stood in their suite's common room with a bouquet of gardenias for each woman, bottles of wine (Sam with a label less bottle of vodka), boxes of chocolate and then an additional gift bag for their own intended. 

"This is ridiculous," Sam huffed out.  "The two of you have infected me with idiocy and foolishness and I can't believe that I'm willing to do this for you."

"Cram it, Parakeet Pants."

Three pairs of eyes went to the ceiling vent and sure enough, Clint Barton hopped down, smirking at all the gifts the men held in their hands.  He nodded thoughtfully and then took a peek into each gift bag as well.

"Good job on the vodka," Clint nodded.  He looked at Steve and grabbed the gardenias out of his hands.  "Darcy's allergic.  I'll give these to Laura instead."

Bucky arched a brow at the man he hadn't been formally introduced to yet, but still held his bag out for inspection. 

"Excellent work, Barnes," Clint admitted.  He held out a hand to shake.  "Clint Barton."

"Pigeon face," Sam rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, and the only happily married man in all of SHIELD and the Avengers," Clint reminded Sam.  "Really, I'm your only hope if this endeavor of yours is going to work out.  Unless you want to wait for Thor to come back with Jane from London.  But I gotta warn you, Thor's idea of properly courting his lightning sister and his shield sister involves fighting bears shirtless and eating the still beating hearts of your enemies."

"I could do that," Bucky wagered.

"Yeah, but you couldn't handle the fact that Thor's way probably would be a group competition," Clint rolled his eyes.  He held up a finger in the universal symbol for  _ wait a minute _ , his eyes squinting in suspicion as he sniffed the air.  "Pietro...that little shit."

Clint went for the front door of the suite and yanked it open, revealing that Pietro Maximoff was indeed standing across the hall, knocking on the ladies' suite door.

"I can smell the cilantro!" Pietro called out, nearly whining.  "Wanda has left me to my own devices to go to a Chucky Cheese restaurant with Vision, and I may starve if you do not feed me, darling, please!  Mother Helen!  Please make Darcy feed me!"

The door to the suite opened and Darcy looked at him with a suspicious arch to her brow.  She handed him a pack of pop-tarts and a juice box and went to close the door again when Pietro put out a hand to stop her.

"I would be forever grateful if you fed me," Pietro batted his big blue eyes at her, a beguiling smirk on his face.  "Forever grateful, sweet, beautiful Darcy."

Bucky jostled his bags in his hands and managed to get his left hand on Steve's shoulder, because he was about to go and take off the young Maximoff's head.

"Seven is a crowd," Darcy insisted.  "Odd numbers make for awkward dinner parties."

"I'll be his date!" Clint announced loudly.  He turned back to Steve and gave him a wink, one that said  _ you owe me now, pal _ . 

"No," Pietro shook his head, turning to stare at the man he had saved at great cost to his own previously bullet free body.  Clint had become a de facto guardian to he and Wanda, and with Clint, came...

"Hey honey, Pietro misses you, he wants to chat," Clint said over his cell phone before walking towards Pietro and handing him the phone. 

"Mama Barton!" Pietro greeted.  "No, no, I'm not bothering Darcy.  Yes, yes I understand that you think she is too old for me.  I know, it is not gentlemanly behavior to pursue a woman when she has politely declined.  No of course I wouldn't want a man badgering my sister.  Yes, I apologize...hold on."

Pietro looked at Darcy and gave her a sad little smile, "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my genuine affection for you."

"It's alright," Darcy assured him.

"Yes, Mama Barton," Pietro nodded.  "Yes.  I will see you soon."

Pietro sullenly handed the phone back to Clint and huffed a sigh. 

"You and Clint are welcome to join us for tacos," Darcy smiled at him. 

"Ugh," Sam rolled his eyes as they watched all of Pietro's sadness and apologetic demeanor vanish to be replaced once more with the sleazy European lady killer.  Sam looked at Steve and shook his head, "Your girl is too nice."

"S'why he likes her so much," Bucky shrugged. 

Darcy looked around Clint and Pietro and pushed them into her suite.  She walked across the hall and waved at Bucky and Sam.

"Food is just about ready, you should head over, because Pietro's pretty fast at everything, including eating all the little appetizers we made," Darcy revealed.  "And you know, Clint is no slouch when chips and guacamole are involved."

"Shit yeah, guacamole," Sam nodded, grabbing Bucky by the shoulder and rushing over to the ladies' suite. 

Darcy and Steve were left, standing in the doorway to his suite.  She smiled up at him, plush red lips tilted upwards. 

"Hi," Steve said softly.

"Hi," Darcy repeated.  "Your face looks better."

"Huh?" Steve frowned for a second.

"I mean, no, your face always looks great, better than great, really.  Fantastic.  You have a fantastic face," Darcy insisted.  "Very sexy and cute and beautiful and...shit Darcy, get your fucking act together.  ---I meant, that your face is all healed up from when I beat you up."

"Yeah, I heal pretty quick," Steve smiled down at her, face flushing.  "You have a fantastic face, as well.  A fantastic everything."

They stayed grinning and blushing at each other, both equally enjoying the very pleasant feeling of gently flirting and admiring one another.  Finally, Steve held up the bag slowly and gestured for her to take it.

"Really?" Darcy grinned.  "You didn't even have any of my world famous pizza tacos yet, I didn't do anything to deserve gifts."

"You made us dinner, you deserve gifts," Steve assured her.

Darcy tore off the tissue paper, tossing it to the ground to inspect what Steve had gifted her with.  There was a small box of chocolates, expensive and rich and dark, just the way she liked them.  But of even greater interest to her were the many items obviously obtained from the old fashioned joke shop in town.  A hand buzzer that would shock someone every time she shook their hand, a whoopee cushion, a flower that would squirt water at someone, even a little piece of plastic poop.

"This is so cool!" Darcy squealed.  "I'm going to use that poop to confuse Thor during his eight hour long bath times!"

( _ Odin cackled madly. _ )

"What's this?" Darcy reached into the bag and pulled out a wishbone shaped black stick with a rubber band stretched between it.  Her eyes lit up in recognition and even more delight than before.

"Fury said you weren't allowed to have real weapons," Steve shrugged.  "And I read that report after you dismantled that Hydra cell..."

"I had help," Darcy insisted.  "Jane and Wanda and Helen are excellent helpers, and I didn't really mean to---"

"Don't sell yourself short.  You were amazing," Steve promised her.  He put a large hand on her shoulder and squeezed.  "And sure, you're not allowed to have weapons, but I don't see how a sling shot could make you any more dangerous than you already are."

"Oh Steve, you really should get to know me better."

Steve’s eyebrow went slowly up and out of the corner of his smirking mouth, he made a soft, intense promise, “I plan to get you know better, Darcy.  Much better.”

 

* * *

 

"Where is Darcy? What could the Captain want with her for so long?  She is missing dinner.  I will go and fetch her."

Bucky glared at Pietro, in that way in which only a best friend with his best friend's interests at heart could.  Steve had run interference for Bucky plenty of time in the 30's and 40's.  The least he could do now was return the favor and keep the kid with the bleached out hair and the questionable facial hair shapes away from whatever was keeping Darcy and Steve in the other suite.

"Pietro," Helen warned.

Bucky smiled gratefully at Helen. 

The dynamic between Pietro and Helen was interesting.  According to the files he read, Helen had technically brought Pietro back from the dead.  He'd been dead for a full two minutes before Helen had jumped aboard the helicarrier, still recovering from her own injuries, and worked on the young Maximoff, getting his vitals steady before removing bullets and healing all the little, life-ending holes with her mini-cradle.  It had been a long road to recovery though, and throughout it, it seemed that Pietro looked to Helen as a sort of mothering influence. 

And from what he had seen earlier, Clint and his wife were definitely the father for the young Maximoff. 

Pietro huffed a sigh and popped another scoop of nachos into his mouth. He looked to Clint and wondered,

"Can I have a margarita?" 

"Ask Helen," Clint advised.  "Don't know if your liver is healed up enough for the amount of tequila Tasha's putting in that blender." 

"Just enough to make things interesting," Natasha answered from across the room.

"You may have one," Helen answered back evenly. 

"But---"

"One," Helen repeated sternly.

Bucky smiled down at Helen and nudged her with his knee against hers.  It was sweet to see her being so nurturing.  She'd make a great mother some day. 

His eyes widened and he slammed his foot on the mental brake pedal in his mind.  He was thinking like Steve there, fast forwarding to the white picket fence without even meaning to. He definitely needed to look to the more level headed, pragmatic Sam in this case.

"You didn't check out your gifts yet," Bucky nudged her again.

"I feel bad, I don't have anything to give to you," Helen gave a smile his way.  "And I didn't really do anything to deserve a gift."

"You made dinner," Bucky shrugged.

"I artfully arranged nachos.  Darcy made and prepared all the actual ingredients," Helen admitted.  "I'm not allowed to prepare food anymore after I nearly cut my thumb off cutting up apples for pies four months ago."

She held up her thumb for his inspection and it looked absolutely unblemished.

"Fixed myself up good as new," she smiled.

"Well, the nachos are beautifully arranged, so I'm thankful for that," Bucky assured her.  He nudged her again, "Open it."

Helen took a deep breath before delving into the bag and carefully pushing the tissue paper to the side until she pulled out a bag of coffee beans, and a coffee grinder.  She looked at the label and then back up to Bucky with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.

"I figured if you can make that liquid gold you called coffee earlier today with some Folgers, then you know," Bucky shrugged.  "Let's see what you can come up with when you have the best."

The best.  Helen knew everything about coffee.  And the one pound bag of La Esmeralda Especial she held in her hands was definitely the best.  And it didn't come cheap.  As if sensing her hesitation about the potential price tag Bucky shrugged her off and grabbed her free hand to hold in his.

( _ Volstagg whooped with delight.) _

"Ms. Potts got my back pay deposited into an account she set up for me.  Don't worry about the money.  Besides, now she's working on getting restitution from Hydra's frozen funds for me as well, so, yeah.  I only ask for one thing in return."

Helen looked up to him, her eyes focusing on his lips. She hoped he'd ask for a kiss.  She would certainly give him a kiss if he asked for it, in front of Natasha and Sam and Clint and Pietro.  It wouldn't matter.  She wanted to kiss the ever loving crap out of Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, back from the dead Howling Commando. 

She loved coffee that much.

"You gotta brew me up a cup, tomorrow morning," Bucky revealed.

"Oh," Helen pursed her lips in disappointment.  "Sure, I can do that."

"Excellent."

* * *

 

 

"Does Barnes know about Vision?" Natasha asked Wilson quietly, masking her words from Bucky by hitting the puree button on Darcy's fancy blender.  She watched carefully as Helen and Bucky sat at the dinner table, innocently holding hands.

 

( _ Volstagg cooed and flapped his hands in the air like a tiny bird would flap his wings.) _

"Like, know about the fact that Vision is a thing that happened?" Sam shrugged.  "Sure."

"Does Barnes know that Vision is essentially Helen's son?" Natasha clarified with a roll of her eyes.

"What should that matter?" Sam challenged her.

"I want to make sure that he isn't getting Helen besotted with him only to abandon her when he realizes that she is the surrogate mother to both a twenty-year-old enhanced human and a one-year-old humanoid with super powers," Natasha clarified.  "I'd hate to have to kill him after you and Rogers worked so hard to bring him back in."

"Easy there, Mama Widow," Sam shook his head.  "My boys have only the best intentions."

"Sure, they do," Natasha smirked.  "You would be surprised."

"Whatever, they're gentlemen from the forties," Sam insisted.  "Why don't you open up what I brought as a hospitality thank you?"

"Because I already know what you brought," Natasha shrugged.

"Hey, I'm a man of exquisite tastes and talent.  I did better than chocolates and some flowers, woman," Sam defended himself.

"Yes, you did.  The bottle of Tovaritch will be appreciated, and I daresay the blades are actually some of the loveliest that New York has to offer," Natasha said simply, looking at the undisturbed gift bag Sam had thrown on the counter earlier next to the bouquet of gardenias. 

Sam brought his hands up to cover his chest in a gesture of cartoonish innocence and asked, "Are you sure you don't have x-ray vision?"

"I know everything that comes in and out of this facility," Natasha said cooly.  "It's important to keep these people safe."

Sam smiled softly at the way she said  _ these people _ .  She had a lot of fondness for Darcy and Helen and even the rest of her charges in the facility.  And the way Natasha showed affection was to keep those close to her safe.  He respected that. 

"The flowers, they were a surprise," Natasha admitted, picking up her bouquet and taking a sniff.  "Gardenia is my favorite smell. They are definitely superior to roses."

"So see, I AM unpredictable," Sam insisted.  "Or, there ARE things in this world you don't know."

"I know everything," Natasha challenged.

"Bullshit," Sam smirked.

"I know that we need to go over to your suite and interrupt any shenanigans that Darcy and Steve are currently involved in," Natasha said coolly.  "Thor wouldn't be pleased that Steve did not go about the courting the proper way for his adopted sister.  Namely, there are no heads of her enemies laid at her feet right now."

"You're full of shit," Sam insisted.  "No way is Steve over there doing anything---"

Natasha arched an eyebrow, one that Sam had learned to respect.  He turned and went for the door, followed quickly by a smirking and victorious Natasha.

Sam didn't bother knocking, he opened the door and rolled his eyes even as he was covering them, only catching a glimpse of pale, naked Captain America ass as Darcy and Steve simultaneously finished their endeavors.  They were both entirely nude, with Steve pinning Darcy to the wall, her legs wrapped around him. 

"ROGERS!" Sam shouted.

"Fuck," Steve whispered, anxiously going to shield  Darcy's nudity from prying eyes. He needn’t of bothered as the bulk of his body covered hers completely.   "Give us a minute, Wilson!"

"This is how you treat a lady?" Sam bellowed, his angry shouts, drawing Bucky to the suite as well. 

"What the hell Steve?" Bucky whispered.  "Your ma taught you better than that.  You haven't even taken the girl out for a picture yet."

"I---I---give us a minute!" Steve struggled to come back from his post orgasmic high, still tightly nestled within Darcy, and despite the audience, her gentle hands stroking up and down the sides of his torso were getting him ready for round two. 

Darcy took care of the audience handily by letting out a strangled little moan that was not at all manufactured as Steve's blushing and sputtering kind of got her motor re-running in a very good way.  Natasha, being Natasha, only shrugged before grabbing Bucky and Sam by the ears and steering them out of the suite. 

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," Steve sighed, then moaned as she did something absolutely lethal with her hips. 

"S'okay, you can make it up to me," Darcy kissed his neck repeatedly and lazily. 

"I---I want to take you out, do this proper," Steve insisted even as he began moving once more, closing his eyes in sheer bliss.

"I actually meant you can give me another orgasm, but yeah, a PICTURE sounds peachy keen, too."

* * *

"TO LADY DARCY!  LITTLE LIGHTNING PRINCESS OF ASGARD!" Fandral shouted out, holding up his ale as his compatriots agreed heartily. 

"I did enjoy the part where he gave her a weapon, but surely, he did nothing to deserve such a beautiful reward," Sif huffed out in annoyance. 

"Do not worry, friend," Thor assured her.  "When I arrived in the village of SHIELD, I made sure to right that wrong."

  
  


* * *

* * *


	4. The Merchant of SHIELD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having some troubles with formatting, sorry. :(

**Chapter Four: The Merchant of SHIELD**

 

* * *

* * *

 

_ Into every life, sunshine shall fall.  Every person has the honor of knowing one spectacular individual that has graced their life for however short a period of time.  For the lovely little village of SHIELD, such a person had returned to their small, dreary lives, and with his triumphant return from the wilds of London with his fair lady doctor… _

 

* * *

 

“Honestly?” Odin rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh.  

 

“Surely, Father, I am allowed some dramatic license with my arrival in the story,” Thor insisted.

 

“I thought you had learnt humility during your first visit to MIdgard,” Odin shook his head slightly.

 

“Aye, humility is well and good when it is in its place,” Thor nodded.  “But I do not jest, father, I am welcomed back to the Avengers facility most heartily…”

 

* * *

 

“ **JANIE!!!!!!”**

 

Thor watched in jovial amusement as Darcy ran across the lawn of the Avengers/SHIELD facility and full out tackled Jane to the ground.  It was a very different feeling for the Asgardian Prince.  To feel completely invisible.  Helen was quick to follow, rushing to them at a slower speed than Darcy.  She didn’t hesitate in pouncing on Darcy and Jane on the ground though.  

 

Finally, Natasha walked casually up to the three women rolling around in front of Thor.  She gave a wry smile to Thor and offered her hand in Thor’s customary forearm to forearm shake.  

 

“Welcome back, I take it things in London went well?” Natasha asked.

 

“Aye, not one wrongdoer tried to encroach on my Lady’s work whilst I was there to watch over her,” Thor promised.  “And how is the hearth? The little hearthkeeper is preoccupied with her welcoming committee duties, she has not given me her usual robust report.”

 

“The hearth is...busier than ever,” Natasha smirked.  She crouched down so that she could address the amalgamation of limbs and petite torsos and varying shades of dark hair.  “Darcy?  Helen?  Would you like to tell Thor the recent events or should I?”

 

“Recent events?” Jane demanded, sitting up, even as Darcy and Helen still clung to either side of her.  “That was Black Widow speak for something  _ juicy _ .  Last time you used that tone, Johnny Storm had declared his love for Darcy at the red carpet for the Grammy’s.  She got mean internet stalkers that sent her mutilated voodoo Barbie doll versions of her.”

 

“And you and FRIDAY managed to track those people down and Thor put the fear of Mjolnir into them,” Natasha smiled.  “No, these recent events are much more  _ pleasant.” _

 

_ “ _ Wait, what’s going on?” Darcy resurfaced out of her cuddle haze to catch on to the just of the conversation.   

 

“Captain!” Thor bellowed as the rest of the welcome committee came across the lawn.  “And Son of Wil!  And the good Sergeant!  It is good to see you here in this new home.”

 

“It’s good to be home,” Steve nodded, his friendly smile going from Thor down to Darcy.  And he certainly felt like he was home.  The look in his eyes went full blown smitten, and his mouth bent into a lovely, tender smile.

 

“Oh no,” Darcy breathed, pinching Jane’s side.  “Do something, do something, scenario 3.a.12 is in play.  Distractionary measures are needed, Janie!  Flash him!”

 

Thor watched Steve very carefully and held up his hand in the air for Mjolnir immediately.  

 

( _ “AYE DEFEND YOUR SISTER’S HONOR FROM THIS RUFFIAN!” Odin bellowed _ .)

 

Jane hopped to her feet, simultaneously bringing Helen and Darcy with her.  She stood between a confused Steve and a  _ very _ knowing Thor.  Darcy was suddenly incredibly anxious, Helen was anxious in sympathy, Bucky was just as confused as Steve, and Natasha and Sam had identical looks of earnest anticipation on whatever was about to unfold.  

 

“Thor, sweetie, calm down,” Jane advised. 

 

“My dearest Jane, I am most calm,” Thor assured her, glaring at a befuddled Steve who continued to look between him and Darcy.

 

“Darcy is a grown ass woman who can do whatever the hell she wants,” Jane said softly, the words sounding well-rehearsed.  

 

“Indeed, my sister is fully grown and I am proud that she excels at her amorous craft,” Thor nodded.  “And Steven is also fully grown and should know to handle such a precious jewel with the care it deserves.”

 

“Oh he  _ handled _ her,” Sam smirked, causing Natasha to hold back a snort of laughter.

 

“Pal, he can tell you had your way with her,” Bucky muttered.  “Three times yesterday and once this morning in the locker rooms.”

 

“What business is it of his?” Steve grumbled.  He wasn’t about to apologize for what he and Darcy did in semi-privacy/semi-public.  He’d never want to apologize for the absolutely amazing times that they shared together.  And besides, she had instigated it each and every time, he certainly wasn’t taking advantage in any way.  He was just thoroughly enjoying being at her beck and call.

 

“Has he done anything to be worthy of her?” Thor demanded of the only person he trusted to tell him the truth, Natasha.

 

“Hey pal! He’s Steven Grant Rogers!” Bucky defended an irate Steve.  “He saved the world a few times, and if the reports were right, you were at his side to do it!”

 

“Certainly, he is a worthy brother at arms,” Thor nodded.  He nodded towards Darcy and explained, “And she is the claimed daughter of the All Father.  But first and foremost, she is Darcy Marie Lewis, and there is no man who could be truly worthy of the generous heart she possesses.”

 

“Thor, I know that,” Steve said with sudden softness, all of his anger flying from his sails. He gave a lovely, genuine smile to a very embarrassed Darcy and promised, “I will do whatever you think is necessary to prove myself worthy of her. Whatever you want.”

 

“Oh boy,” Jane got a small, evil grin on her face. “This is going to be so much fun.”

 

“Helping or hurting, Foster?” Helen muttered.

 

Thor nodded though and said, “I will come up with a worthy competition to prove you worthy of her.”

 

“Thank you,” Steve nodded.

 

“A competition?” Bucky furrowed his brow. He looked to Helen with curiosity. “Like...more than one person competing?”

 

“Certainly---you cannot prove yourself worthy unless you are in compet---” Thor paused and his eyes darted between Bucky and Helen and he levered an arched brow. “Surely time traveling soldiers from Midgard's Second Great War know better.”

 

“I really missed being at home,” Jane smirked at a suddenly contrite Helen.

 

“Lady Doctor Helen,” Thor began sternly.

 

“Prince Thor Odinson,” Helen replied back cheekily, earning a snort of laughter from Darcy.

 

“Have you told the young Sergeant about our son with Stark?” Thor demanded jovially enough, obviously taking a large amount of amusement from the way Helen blushed profusely.

 

“I’m sorry, what now?” Bucky asked.

 

“He’s not...that’s neither here nor there,” Helen huffed.  “I didn’t give BIRTH to him, for crap’s sake!”

 

“I will tell you this, Sergeant,” Thor turned to Bucky with a friendly enough smile.  “Gain the favor and approval of the son I share with Helen and Stark, and you will have earned the right to court the fair Doctor.”

 

Thor caught Mjolnir in his hands and flipped him once for show before taking off with long strides towards the facility, Jane following him with a gleeful expression on her face.  Darcy and Helen were less than gleeful and more irate.  

 

Bucky turned to Natasha and Sam and said, “Son?”

 

“Vision,” Natasha nodded.

 

“The purple guy?” Bucky looked to Steve and got a nod.  “How---how is he Helen’s son?  With Thor  _ and _ Stark?”

 

“Let’s head to the shooting range for target practice,” Natasha nodded.  “It’s a long story.”

  
  


* * *

 

Thor looked around to his audience for a reaction.  Fandral was staring mopily into his ale.  Sif and Odin were most pleased.  But Hogun and Volstagg looked absolutely dejected.

 

“There is a problem with the tale?” Thor demanded.  

 

“I would not want to insult you,” Hogun muttered.

 

Thor’s eyes widened.

 

“YOU’VE RUINED IT ALL!” Volstagg accused loudly, smashing his large hand on the table top.  

 

“I assure you, I did not,” Thor promised.

 

“Two of the heart matches were well on their way to hand holding and shared embraces and bonding ceremonies and the joyful blessings of squalling babes!” Volstagg lamented.  “And you arrive in the story and force the sweet lovers apart.  It is most unfair.  And unnecessary.  I only want their happiness.  And hand holding.  And adorable tiny babes.”

 

“Surely you must know that the more obstacles the young lovers defeat, the more rewarding the ending,” Sif argued with Volstagg.

 

Hogun gave a shrug of approval, trusting that it was true.

 

“BABES!” Volstagg repeated.  

 

“If the ridiculous Captain of America has infected my claimed daughter with his idiotic seed, I will---I shall----”

 

The rest of the Asgardians turned to Odin, who was red in the face with his righteous anger.  

 

“Surely you would love the babes that Darcy bears, for they will be half of her,” Thor said thoughtfully.  

 

“I---well, of course,” Odin nodded.  He glared at Thor, “Is the Odinsdottir with child?!?  Send for Heimdall, she must be brought to appropriate healers and given the finest of draughts to ensure the health of the babe.”

 

“THERE WILL BE BABES?” Volstagg shouted with glee.

 

“I will not give you the ending of the story when I have not finished the middle,” Thor insisted.  

 

“Who cares about your damned story, boy!” Odin shouted.  “The Princess of Asgard needs medical attention.”

 

“She is perfectly healthy,” Thor shook his head.

 

“And with child?” Volstagg wondered hopefully and looked appropriately ashamed when Thor glared at him.    “Please, Prince Thor...continue with your tale.”

 

* * *

 

Pietro Maximoff knew the following things:

 

  1. What it was like to come back from the dead.  (it was not at all pleasant, but it certainly put everything in life into perspective).
  2. What it was like to travel faster than the human eye could see. (It was, simply put, _awesome_ ).
  3. What it was like to be fathoms deep in hopeless love (it was part of that, coming back into the world alive and gaining perspective angle).



 

One of the things he had woken up to after a long, comatose period of recovery was the angel that was Darcy Lewis.  She was always in Helen’s lab, providing him with sunshine and sugar and breaths of fresh air.  She had become close friends with his sister as they stood vigil over him.  And she had given him something to look forward to with his slow and painful recovery.

 

He was, without a doubt, fathoms deep in love with Darcy Marie Lewis.

 

Captain Steve Rogers was a problem.  

 

He had shown up a little while ago, and Pietro  _ knew _ , he absolutely knew that Darcy was smitten with him.  He may have listened in on a conversation between Darcy, Helen and Wanda, but still.  The fact was that he knew Darcy spoke so highly of Steve, when she had  _ never  _ spoken highly of any of the other men who had pursued her.  

 

She certainly had not looked at any other man the way she looked at Captain America.

 

Johnny Storm huffed a sigh as he sat down next to Pietro in the canteen, his tray filled with the best that the Avengers Facility cafeteria staff had to offer.  And seeing as it was mainly funded and run by Pepper Potts, the lunch offerings were just as enticing as any five star restaurant in the city had to offer.

 

“When did Captain Ameriturd get here?” Johnny grumbled as he watched Darcy stealing what looked like tater tots off of the plate of Steve Rogers’, aka, the dude who stole his face and put it on a beefier body.  

 

“Two weeks ago,” Pietro answered miserably.  “I miss when my only competition for my darling’s heart was you.”

 

Johnny rolled his eyes.  The fact that Pietro, seven and a half years younger than Darcy thought that he was competition enough for Johnny Storm, world class lady killer, had just proven how far he had fallen.  He’d spent the better part of the last few years  mooning over the amazing Darcy Lewis  trying to get into some science nerd intern’s pants.  And he had  _ failed.   _

 

Both Johnny and Pietro sighed as Darcy laughed at something a smirking Steve Rogers said then grabbed him by his face and drew him in for a sweet kiss.  

 

“Unfair.  If she wanted that face, I can do it way better,” Johnny lit up a palm and turned his sandwich into a panini.  

 

“Maybe she wants more than the face?”

 

Johnny and Pietro looked up in annoyance to see the severely serious looking Maria Hill looking down on them.

 

“It’s been decided that when Johnny moves to the X-men as part of the unity swap, Pietro and I will be going along for the ride,” she announced.  As part of the restructured Accords, it was decided that each of the superhero teams on the East coast would send a representative to spend a few months with another team.  Rhodey was currently barely hanging on in the Baxter Building, desperately sending all the Avengers text messages about what a pain in the ass Stretchy McDouchewagon was.  And Tony and Scott were annoying the ever living crap out of Xavier. 

 

“I’m not ready to go yet,” Johnny huffed a sigh as stared over at Darcy with a sullen face.

 

Maria only rolled her eyes.  

 

“You’ll do as you’re told, Storm,” Maria insisted. 

 

“You’re not the boss of me!” Johnny petulantly asserted, sounding like he was ten years younger than Pietro at that moment.  

 

Maria bent at the waist and gave Johnny a steady, dangerous glare.

 

“I am the boss of  _ everyone _ ,” she promised, her eyebrow arched and deadly.  “In three months, the three of us are on a quinjet to the Mansion or you will see just how bossy I can be.”

 

Johnny gulped and nodded before watching with appreciation as Maria stalked off.  

 

“She’s hotter than I remember,” Johnny said thoughtfully, but then Darcy cackled with laughter and his attention was caught again, as he and Pietro continued to stare longingly.

 

“Gentleman,” Fury appeared from out of nowhere, reaching over to grab half of Johnny’s altered sandwich.  He took a bite and nodded his approval, “I’ll have to let cafeteria services know that the Monday special is better toasted.”

 

“How does someone that wears that much leather move so quietly?” Pietro wondered, staring unabashedly at the former Director of SHIELD and current executive manager of the new Avengers Facility.  

 

“You two gentlemen may wish to speak with Thor,” Fury smiled evenly.  

 

“They do not need to speak with Thor.”

 

Johnny and Pietro looked to the other side of the table to see that Natasha had arrived, even more silently than Fury had.  She took a loud bite of an apple and gave Fury a calm and cool look that would have had lesser men quaking in their leather boots.

 

“There is a competition afoot, gentlemen,” Fury gave them an overly friendly smile.

 

“There is no competition,” Natasha disputed easily before taking another bite of the apple.

 

“The man who wins the competition will be able to properly court Darcy Lewis, in the eyes of the Asgardians,” Fury continued as if Natasha weren’t even there.

 

“The only man who will  _ court _ Darcy Lewis is the one she wants to have court her,” Natasha smiled at Fury.  

 

“And when the winner is chosen,  _ someone _ will be going on a double date,” Fury full out grinned at Natasha.

 

The Black Widow took another vicious bite of her apple before rising from her seat and stalking off, leaving all three men at the table.  She stormed from the cafeteria and ran straight into the man she would undoubtedly have to farcically date whenever Thor was through with his reindeer games.

  
  


“Wilson,” she greeted before tossing the apple in the nearby bin, getting it in with perfect aim.  

 

“Nice shot, you play hoops?” Sam wondered.  “I’ve been trying to teach Barnes and Noble, but they keep popping the ball with their super muscles.”

 

“Stop the small talk,” Natasha muttered angrily.

 

They stood there in stony silence for a few extended moment before Sam wondered, “Bad day?”

 

“I don’t understand people,” Natasha said quietly, more honesty in those few words than she had ever let loose in public before.

 

“I don’t really think that anyone does,” Sam shrugged.

 

“Why do others insist on trying to exert their wants and needs and desires on other people?” Natasha demanded.  “The world would be a simpler and cleaner place if everyone would just leave one another alone.”

 

“Yeah, it’d be cleaner and simpler,” Sam agreed.  “But it’d be a hell of a lot lonelier.”

 

“There are worse things to be,” Natasha said very quietly before stalking away.  

 

* * *

 

Sif had chin in her hand as she listened to the story, entranced.

 

“Tell Heimdall to get the bridge ready.  Our shield sister will need a visit to Colonel Rhodes,” Fandral stage whispered.

 

“I enjoy strife,” Sif defended herself.  “And I enjoy the beautiful complexities of the strong warrior that is the Black Widow.”

 

“I enjoy stories where babes are brought into the world out of all encompassing love,” Volstagg muttered.

 

“Don’t let him get started again,” Fandral grumbled from his ale.

 

“Aye, for there is still the tale of my shared son and his meeting with his mother’s intended paramor.”

 

“A question, honored shield brother?” Hogun wondered, his face the picture of thoughtfulness.  “If the newly born Vision is your son, does that mean that he is the grandchild of the All father?”

 

“I believe...you will see the family resemblance.”

 

* * *

 

“So...you built his body with the cradle, and it was meant for the evil robot, but Stark intervened and put his own robot in the body and then Thor finished the process with the lightning.”

 

“That sounds correct, yes,” Helen nodded, fixing she and Bucky new cups of coffee as he fished into the bag of bagels he had procured that morning and prepared a sun-dried tomato bagel with the decadent vegetable cream cheese.  He then cut it straight down the middle so that they could share.  Because as bottomless as Helen’s stomach had proven to be, she wouldn’t be able to sample every single flavor in the dozen Bucky had bought if she ate every single bagel.

 

“But, how does that make you his mother?” Bucky furrowed his brow.  “I mean, he’s a robot.  So you’re more like his creator.”

 

“He’s a little more than a simplistic robot,” Helen sighed.  

 

“Right, that troublesome stone,” Bucky nodded.  “Made him all humanoid and whatnot.”

 

“He has all the knowledge of his previous incarnation as JARVIS, and also, unfortunately, a lot of the sass,” Helen admitted.  “JARVIS was created by Tony Stark, so---he can be a little bit of a shit, to be honest.  But he’s a lovely little shit, I promise.”

 

“Doll, I grew up side by side with Steven Grant Rogers.  I know all about little shits,” Bucky chuckled.  

 

“Hmmm,” Helen hummed around a mouthful of delicious bagel.  She really did love breakfast foods.

 

“Mother?”

 

“Oh boy,” Helen choked on her bite of bagel, her face reddening as she turned to face the newly arrived Vision.

 

“I was not aware that you had company,” Vision smiled at Helen, then turned to Bucky, giving the curious man a face completely devoid of emotion.  “Barnes, James Buchanan.  Birth, March 10, 1917.  Codename Winter Soldier.”

 

“Actually, pal, I don’t really go by that codename right now,” Bucky shook his head.  “Still getting used to being called Bucky again, after all.”

 

“I am not your pal,” Vision said evenly.  “We have never met in any of my previous incarnations.  You don’t even know what kind of pizza toppings I enjoy, and I have been told by Aunt Darcy that you need to know favorite pizza toppings before that level of friendship can be attained.”

 

“Uhm...I enjoy pepperoni,” Bucky shrugged.  Steve enjoyed every topping under the sun.  Sam only would eat plain unless he was feeling crazy, then he went with bacon.  He looked to Helen and wondered, “Do you think we can find a place to make us a breakfast pizza?”

 

“Marry me,” Helen whispered.

 

( _ Volstagg whimpered with joy. _ )

 

“Mother!” Vision shook his head rapidly back and forth.  

 

“Relax, pal, it was just an expression,” Bucky assured him.

 

( _ Volstagg groaned in disappointment. _ )

 

“Again, Sergeant Barnes, I must remind you, that we are not  _ pals _ ,” Vision reminded him, the hint of a sullen teenager on his face.  “Mother, I will seek you out at another time to tell you of my trip with Wanda to the arcade.  When you are less...bothered.”

 

Bucky watched with wide eyes as the purple guy huffed out of the room like a petulant teenager.  

 

“Uhm, did I---that went bad, didn’t it, Doll?” Bucky frowned and wrinkled his nose adorably.  

 

“It could have gone better,” Helen admitted.  “Vision is...he’s at an interesting age.  Technically he’s only been around for a little over a year.  But his mind processes are much greater than that and the personality, it’s very complicated.”

 

“Yeah, I get that,” Bucky nodded.

 

“I  _ totally  _  understand if you want to bail,” Helen said softly.

 

“Hey,” Bucky turned to face her full on, his right hand going for her chin and tilting her head up.  His lips barely brushed across hers in the most delicate of first kisses before he pulled away, his words were soft breaths against her pouting lips, “You’re not the kind of dame a fella bails on.  You’re the kind of dame a chump like me begs for a minute of her time.”

 

“Okay,” Helen smiled, completely swept away by his words.

 

“So...I’m just going to have to figure out how to win over your very interesting son.  Does he like candy?”

 

* * *

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you have wondered if Loki is Odin... or if Odin is Odin...
> 
> *sing-song voice* I'LL NEVER TELL!
> 
> <3


	5. As Thor Likes It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a tolerable Hump Day, and if not, make it so! 
> 
> Ugh. Sorry, my brain is mush from migraines. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Five: As Thor Likes It**

 

* * *

* * *

 

_ On every realm there is a form of competition to obtain the best mate for a special individual.  Asgard has a contest of strength and perseverance, wherein the most worthy suitor is the last man or woman standing.  Other realms have contests of creativity, wherein the most worthy suitor is that suitor who can create the most beautiful work of art in the eyes of the intended.  Contests where the winner will sit nearest to the cold fires of Hel, or can collect the most stardust, or can eat the most bilgesnipe.   _

 

_ Midgardian competitions revolved around farcical television scenarios.   _

 

* * *

 

“I quite liked your retelling of the Bachelor,” Fandral admitted.

 

“You would,” Hogun rolled his eyes.  “No substance.”

 

“Surely you have come up with a better competition for your sister than some paltry flower competition,” Odin heaved a sigh.

 

“I believe that I did,” Thor nodded.  “Shall I continue?”

 

“We’re waiting,” Odin gestured impatiently.

 

Thor smiled and nodded.

 

“As we continue our tale, I will tell you of the competition I had arranged for my sister, Lady Darcy.  We began with a test of Will. To be worthy of my fair sister, he must have an iron will.”

 

* * *

 

Darcy was getting used to the little gifts that Steve would leave her all around the facility.  Every day at two pm, there was some kind of sugary treat waiting for her at her desk.  Her favorite had been the banana split with extra whipped cream and cherries.  Then there was the customary gift he would give to her when he and Sam and Bucky would inevitably wind up in the ladies’ suite for dinner and a movie every night.  

 

She had every joke shop prank under the sun, and had managed to trick all of the lab assistants with at least one of each kind he had gotten her.  Steve had also gifted her with a small collection of officially licensed Avengers lego sets, including a custom made Darcy Lewis figure. They had both spent quite a bit of time together building interesting little scenes with all of the Avengers in fun settings.  The most popular scene in the pictures she had put on tumblr was all of the lego figurines assembled to battle the rabid squirrel she and Steve had found one afternoon after a ‘walk’ in the woods at the facility.

 

But Darcy’s most favorite gifts that Steve got her were the weapons, without a doubt.  

 

There was the slingshot, which she used to lob hard candies at Clint’s head.  

 

The pea shooter, which she used to shoot skittles at Clint’s head.

 

And the rubber band gun, which she used to shoot rubber bands at Clint’s head.  

 

Clint did not enjoy Steve’s gift of ancient weaponry.  And he had eagerly ratted Steve out to Fury, who immediately confiscated the miniature crossbow that Steve had purchased for her, foam darts and all.  

 

Thor found Darcy eating her 2 pm snack of a fancy chocolate and caramel covered apple, while fiddling with her pea shooter.  He sat opposite her and took a slice of the apple, eating it and enjoying it immensely.  He watched as she gingerly handled a small pea shaped orb, bright blue in color and certainly delicate.  

 

“Those are not the Skittle candies, little sister,” Thor furrowed his brow.  “Surely you are not finished with forcing Barton to taste the rainbow.”

 

“No, the skittles are for friendlies,” Darcy admitted.  She placed the last of the beautiful little blue pearls into a straw tube and capped it.  She held the ammo up for inspection, “ _ These  _ are for un-friendlies.  Just in case.  Helen made them for me.  I can shoot them at a bad guy and as soon as it breaks against their skin, BOOM, they’re down for the count.”

 

“Ingenious,” Thor grinned as she stood and stashed her weaponry in her back pocket and pushed the last piece of the apple towards him.

 

“So, what’s this I hear about a competition, brother-mine?” Darcy asked with her hands on her hips and an eyebrow raised. (Natasha was an excellent teacher.)  She waited patiently until he had swallowed, all the while giving him a look that meant business and had him apprehensive.

 

“Sister! We must determine out of your suitors, who is worthy of courting you. And believe me, you would much rather I determine the tests of worthiness, than the Allfather,” Thor finally replied with a smile.

 

“But I want Steve,” Darcy insisted.  “He’s worthy.”

 

“That is yet to be seen,” Thor shook his head.  “Paltry gifts and child’s weaponry?  Surely he must do more to be worthy of you, and there may still be another who is more worthy than he.  We can not know unless we stage the competition.”

 

“Well, what if  **I** don’t find the winner of your competition worthy? Hmmm? What then? Can we turn this around all  _ Brave _ style and I compete for my own hand?”

 

“What an interesting thought. And so clever. You know, I believe that that might just be the incentive your suitors need to show their worthiness,” Thor grinned.  “I approve! You shall compete for your own hand, and your right to make your own destiny. I believe the Norns would approve of this. Come, sister, we shall design tests truly worthy of you.”

 

* * *

 

Natasha was guarding something very closely.  Sam walked down the hallway towards the sparring room, and actually had never seen her body so tense outside of combat preparation.  She was standing in front of one of Tony’s electronic corkboards, one eyebrow arched at a list with exactly four names on it.

 

Sam walked up and stood next to her, surveying the little list.

 

_ Darcy Marie Lewis _

_ Steven Grant Rogers _

_ Pietro Maximoff _

_ Jonathan Lowell Spencer Storm _

  
  


One of the newer SHIELD recruits ambled out of the locker room and looked at the list that Natasha was guarding.  He seriously contemplated putting his name down, but Natasha let out one small sigh that seemed to freeze the recruit’s blood in his veins and he quickly scampered away.

 

“Having fun?” Sam wondered.

 

“It’s a way to pass the time,” Natasha shrugged.  “I tried to frighten Pietro out of it, but Barton distracted me with pictures of his adorable children in an effort to get revenge for Darcy’s recent candy assaults.”

 

“How long do you think it’ll be until Fury confiscates all of Darcy’s toy weapons?” Sam smirked.

 

“He’s holding off, only because he likes seeing Barton get hit in the face with candy and rubber bands,” Natasha smirked right back.

 

“Well, good thing Bruce isn’t here, too many rubber bands would cause a Hulk out and Rhodey told me about that time Darcy used the low setting on her taser to cause a Hulk out,” Sam laughed.  “The things kids will do these days to get their student loans paid off by Tony Stark.”

 

The air went heavy and silent and Natasha gave a pre-emptive glare to one of the mid-level scientist ladies who barely got a chance to glimpse at the list on the board.  Sam masked a chagrined grimace pretty well with a blank expression.  He had managed to forget for a second that Bruce Banner was on the  _ do not disturb  _ list of topics between he and Natasha.

 

“The Hulk liked Darcy,” Natasha said after many moments of silence.  “She’s actually the one who gave me the idea for the lullabies.  She had him eating out of the palm of her hand within moments of turning.”

 

“She’s a clever girl.  She’s definitely going to be the one to win her own hand,” Sam nodded.

 

“As it should be,” Natasha nodded.

 

The silence grew again and Sam fought back the urge to tap his foot or fidget in any other way.  He shook his head finally and turned to face Natasha.

 

“Is it always going to be like this?  I mean...when I asked you out that night that Ultron was  _ hatched _ , and you turned me down for Banner---”

 

“I didn’t turn you down for Banner,” Natasha said softly.

 

“Turned me down.  For  _ whatever _ ,” Sam clarified.  

 

“You are the most normal, level person that has ever accidentally wandered into this ragtag group of heroes,” Natasha sighed.  “You even manage to beat Darcy, if only because you don’t accidentally get yourself into international events.”

 

“Steve would argue with you about Darcy being normal,” Sam shook his head.  “And I get it, I’m boring, and you didn’t like me.  It’s fine.  We can stay friends.”

 

“You’re not  _ boring _ ,” Natasha shook her head.  “And when I say normal, I mean, undamaged.”

 

“You know everyone in this world is a little damaged,” Sam said softly, trying to get her to look him in the eye, but that sapphire blue gaze was focused on the list, staring at the top two names intensely.  “And for what it’s worth, it might help you to not be the one in a relationship that isn’t the least damaged.  I know you like fixing things, but you don’t have to go after a man that needs fixing.  There can be ---”

 

“Just drop it,” Natasha shook her head, still avoiding his eyes as she began to walk away.

 

Sam watched her leave and took a deep sigh. 

 

“Nice talking to you, Widow.”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, that’s high enough!”

 

“Nah, punk can climb this high in seconds.  And Storm can fly up here,” Bucky disputed.  “Let me get it in this branch with the dry leaves, he’ll have to turn down the fire or risk setting the whole forest ablaze.”

 

“It won’t matter, Darcy will get here way before those idiots,” Helen insisted.  “And while I know she can climb that high, she’s not so great at getting down from high places.”

 

“She get scared?” Bucky wondered, shimmying down the tree and hiding the scavenger hunt clue where Helen wanted it, trusting her completely.

 

“Not scared so much as fearless?” Helen giggled.  “When she gets up high enough, she thinks she’s invincible and then just...jumps down.”

 

“Go figure,” Bucky laughed, jumping down from twenty feet elegantly. He smiled at Helen and said, “You’re a really great friend.  I really like that about you, seeing how much you care about your friends.”

 

“You’re one to talk,” Helen smiled up at him.  “Is there anything you wouldn’t do for Steve?”

 

“I think there are a couple of three hour long movies out there that will answer that question for you,” Bucky shrugged.  “But it goes both ways for us.”

 

“Well for me and Darcy and Natasha as well,” Helen nodded.  “When customs was trying to keep my cradle from entering the US, Darcy ran interference and got arrested while Natasha freed my work from nefarious hands.”

 

“I read that report,” Bucky nodded, reaching for Helen.  His hands settled on her waist and he drew her in close.  “Didn’t you get arrested too?”

 

“That customs officer smacked Darcy on her ass!” Helen defended her actions.  “He deserved the punch to his very  _ glass  _ jaw.”

 

“You.  You are one hell of a dame, Dr. Helen Cho,” Bucky smiled at her soft and slow before bending as she reached, letting their lips meet pleasantly in the middle.   Kissing Helen was more fun than kissing anyone else.  Even that time with the three girls who had requested he declare one of them best kisser.  Sorry Alice, Gayle and Ethel, but Dr. Helen Cho is the winner, seventy years later.

 

The rustling of leaves a few minutes later had Bucky on alert and he reluctantly pulled away to look up at the incoming annoyances.  He plastered on a friendly smile and put a decent amount of space between he and Helen, leaving him cold and definitely more than a little put out.

 

“Vision,” Helen smiled patiently.  She looked to Wanda and the smile became a little more wry.  “Wanda, I assume you found an adequate hiding spot for clue number four?”

 

“Indeed, far more superior than the clue currently poorly hidden in an old bird’s nest,” Vision answered, looking up to where Bucky had hidden their clue.  

 

“Hey, that was  _ my  _ idea,” Helen admonished her ‘son’.  “Come on, the competition is about to start.”

 

* * *

 

“Welcome to all the esteemed spectators here to watch this fine competition unfold,” Thor bellowed over the pleasant chatter of the scientists and SHIELD recruits who had come to spectate.  “This is a very important day for an honored brother of Lady Darcy, claimed daughter of Odin, the Allfather.  Royal Princess to Asgard.  This is the day one shall be proven worthy of her affection.”

 

Thor rambled on for another twenty minutes or so, going into the details of his own showing of worthiness to claim Jane as his heart’s mate.  

 

“Wrap it up, Prince Thor, these people have actual work to do,” Fury advised.  He hated to think what would happen if there was a call to Assemble.  Luckily, the world seemed pretty quiet at the moment.

 

“Your objective is to go on a hunt for treasure,” Thor announced.  “Many clues have been hidden around the facility, and many tests await those that wish to be worthy of Lady Darcy.  Should you die on this quest, know that you died in pursuit of one of the truest hearts that Midgard has to offer. Your first clue awaits you with the fierce warrior maiden who controls all secrets.  Begin!”

 

Darcy’s eyes lit up and she took off at a run, Steve hot on her heels, slowing his speed enough to keep up with her.  Johnny furrowed his brow and looked to Natasha, who only shrugged. 

 

“I know some secrets, but I certainly don’t control them.”

 

Johnny huffed a sigh and flamed on going into the sky to find Darcy and Steve and follow them.

 

Pietro was left standing there, staring at Thor with a furrowed brow.

 

“Yes, young Offspring of Maxim?” Thor wondered.

 

“We could  _ die _ ?” Pietro questioned.  “I could die,  _ again _ ?”

 

“It is always a possibility, yes,” Thor nodded.

 

“Yeah, I’m quitting,” Pietro shook his head.  “I like Darcy very much, but I will die for no one again.”

 

Wanda patted his shoulder as he sat next to her in the spectator stands.  

 

“Darcy has obtained the first clue,” FRIDAY helpfully announced to the spectators, showing the feed of Darcy running away from Maria Hill’s office, Steve hot on her heels.  “Captain Rogers has also received the first clue.  It is to be noted, that each passing clue is less helpful than the last, to reward the contestant that gets to the clue first.”

 

Johnny was next seen on the feed rushing into Maria Hill’s office, and staying there for at least five good minutes before walking out and scowling at the piece of paper in his hands.  

 

“I bet Storm gives up in the next five minutes,” Sam said to Natasha as they watched Darcy, now with a bicycle, speeding across the track towards the outdoor shooting range.  

 

“Five bucks says he just waits for Darcy to find the final clue before following her,” Natasha gave a small smile as the flaming Human Torch took to the sky, lazily keeping watch over Darcy.  

 

“Yes honey, he quit right away,” Clint said over the phone as he relayed everything happening to Laura.  “Sure, it could be because some of your lecturing finally sunk in.  Or it could be because he’s terrified of dying.  Again.”

 

“Darcy Lewis has obtained the second clue,” FRIDAY announced, showing Darcy, now with a bag slung over her shoulders pedalling away from the shooting range, passing a seriously speedy Steve on the way.

 

“Pick up the pace, Cap!” Darcy’s cackle could be heard through the transmission.  

 

“This is going to be boring,” Wanda sighed.  “Darcy is too clever for any of the challengers.”

 

“Don’t count Stevie out,” Bucky insisted.  “He’s been known to be plenty clever.”

 

And sure enough, Steve sped across the track again, less than a minute behind Darcy and gaining quickly.  Helen fidgeted next to Bucky and she bit at her bottom lip in anxious worry.

 

“What’s wrong, doll?” Bucky wondered, wrapping his arm around Helen’s shoulders and bringing her close enough to cuddle.  Vision glared at him and Bucky simply wrinkled his nose at the petulant former robot butler.  

 

“Maybe we hid the clue too high, what if she jumps down and breaks her ankle again?” Helen fretted.  “She only has two more cradle uses on that ankle before it won’t help anymore.”

 

“She’ll be okay,” Bucky insisted as the screen showed Darcy climbing the tree that Thor had struck with lightning last spring.  “Look at her go.”

 

Darcy was like a little agile monkey, climbing up twenty feet on the tree trunk before stopping and looking around.  She spotted the telltale red envelope with her next clue and shimmied out on the sturdy branch Bucky had placed it on.  She grabbed it and read the clue quickly before nodding her head and looking down in a moment’s contemplation before readying herself to jump.

 

“Oh that impulsive little monkey,” Bucky grimaced, definitely getting a feeling of deja vu as a too small, too fragile Darcy got herself ready to jump from the tree.  Even Johnny in the sky began to take off for her in worry.

 

Darcy’s whoop of joy could be heard on the surveillance again as she jumped, fearlessly down from her branch.  The spectators cheered her on, except for those that really knew her.  Natasha rolled her eyes, Sam got up on his feet, ready to run and help should she be injured, and Clint relayed every moment to Laura in a lovely blend of panic and amusement.  Fury pulled his phone out and began dialing Hill immediately.

 

Thor was not bothered.  He smiled when the surveillance feed showed Steve showing up just in time to catch her before she foolishly made contact with the hard, unforgiving ground.  Thor nodded to himself in understanding.  Surely Darcy would win this competition.  And she would share her hand with the worthiest of men in Midgard.  The one who held her in his arms at that very moment, pressing a smiling, tender kiss to her forehead.

 

“That was fun!” Darcy giggled.  “I can see why half of my friends like to fly.”

 

“So long as I’m here to catch you, sweetheart,” Steve smiled at her.  “And yeah, falling is a lot of fun.”

 

“Try falling from a train,” Bucky rolled his eyes at Steve from the safety of the stands.

 

“Did you just crack a joke about the beginning of your seventy years of pain at the hands of the world’s most vile group of assholes?” Sam wondered from further up in the stands.  Bucky nodded and gave his friend a grin and Sam gave him double thumbs up in return.  “Proud of your progress, man.”

 

They watched as Darcy relentlessly tracked down each of the ten clues, getting it all done in less than an hour, with Steve just half a step behind her.  The final clue had Darcy speeding her bicycle down towards Thor’s landing area, where Jane operated the portal from.  She jumped from her bike and stood in the middle of the symbol.

 

“Heimdall!  To prove that I am worthy, I ask you to give me the final blessing!” Darcy shouted out.

 

(“ _ Aha.  That makes much more sense now.” Odin nodded.) _

 

The rainbow bridge lit up and Darcy waved enthusiastically.  

 

“Could you please ask Odin if I’m worthy?” Darcy wondered.

 

“The All father has answered that yes, Darcie Marie Lewis, Odinsdottir, you are most worthy,” Heimdall’s booming voice echoed down through the portal.  “The Allfather also requests more cookies with Midgardian chocolate pieces.”

 

“Can do, big guy!” Darcy shot him finger guns.  “I’m assuming you want the pecan sandies?”

 

“....yes, please.”

 

“See you soon! Love you guys, bye!” Darcy called out, the portal closing just as Steve came up on her spot and Johnny’s feet hit the ground.  She grinned at Steve and threw herself into his arms.  “Guess who is worthy?”

 

“I  _ knew _ you were worthy,” Steve assured her.

 

“I’m gonna vomit,” Johnny rolled his eyes at Steve’s doe eyed romanticism.  He managed a melancholy smile Darcy’s way and shrugged, “I’m glad the best man won here.”

 

“Thanks, dude,” Darcy smiled.  She looked to Steve only before winking at the nearest surveillance camera.  “I totally am going to share my hand with you, Steve.  And by hand I mean, wink wink nudge nudge, let’s take this somewhere that FRIDAY can’t monitor us.”

 

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Steve laughed, bending down and hauling Darcy over his shoulder.  He waved to the camera as well, but with a healthy red blush staining his cheeks and a good deal of embarrassment, “Have a good day everyone!”

  
  


* * *

* * *


	6. Merry Girlfriends of SHIELD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments. They really brighten up my day. <3

**Chapter Six:  Merry Girlfriends of SHIELD**

 

* * *

* * *

_ If there is one constant truth amongst all the realms and dimensions, it is that spirits and libations will loosen the tongue and coax even the most hidden truths.  One need only look to the myths of Notimir and her harem, or the Great Hellbeast and his hidden obsession with adorable fluffy swamp scourges.  And of course there is the well known tale of our own Odin and Frigga. _

* * *

Thor's friends all turned in unison to Odin, who was sitting on his throne with a thoughtful expression on his face, which seemed somehow foreign.

"Father?" Thor questioned.

Odin either didn't hear him (impossible) or chose to ignore his eldest (highly likely) as he put a hand to his chin as he continued to think.

"Surely they will not wish to move to Asgard, but a case can be made for the babe's health, if indeed there is a babe," Odin nodded as he muttered to himself.  "Frequent visits must be highly encouraged."

"Father?" Thor asked again.

"Hm, oh? What?" Odin looked around. "Yes, I feel that certainly all the young lovers should be in Asgard for our upcoming festival. And I have magnanimously decided to accept this Captain of America as my chosen daughter’s mate, so long as I do not have to look at him in his tight, colorful, ineffective armor."

"Yes, certainly," Thor nodded.  "I will have my Jane extend the invitation."

"Continue on, son," Odin waved at Thor impatiently, although he was clearly still thinking over some things in his head.

* * *

 

"The name of the game, is Asshole."

"You do know that Steve can't get drunk, don't you?" Natasha murmured in Darcy's ear as she set up the drinking game for them to play in the safety and comfort of the girls' common room.

Even Wanda and Vision had joined them.  With Vision sitting resolutely between Helen and Bucky.  Darcy wasn't sure, but he may have been using some of the stone's powers to make himself seem...larger. 

"This isn't about getting Steve drunk," Darcy gave Natasha a genuine look of confusion.  "This is about Thirsty Thorsday (" _ THORSDAY! _ "), and getting  _ other _ people drunk.  Why would I need to get Steve drunk?"

"To lower his inhibitions?" Wanda supplied from the other side of Darcy, looking very pleased to be there.  Vision had insisted that they attend, even when he usually thought it was highly improper for two underaged people to attend festivities with so much booze.  She'd reminded her paramor that she was legally allowed to drink in her homeland, if her homeland had still EXISTED any longer.  That usually put Vision off of his high horse.

"Uhm, Steve doesn't have inhibitions," Darcy furrowed her brow.  "Like...you guys work with him.  You know how the news pundits are always saying he just jumps right into the fray?"

"Yes?" Wanda said warily.  She had seen it first hand.  He was smart about it, but still, there was never any hesitation when he was in battle.

"Yeah, he's like that with everything," Darcy grinned.  "Good thing I am too, though."

"When it's right, it's right," Steve shrugged from the other side of the room where he was assembling a large plate full of all the fun party foods Darcy had put together for the joyous Thirsty Thorsday night. (" _ THORSDAY _ !") "No sense in dawdling when you're sure of something.  I’ve learned my lesson about waiting."

Darcy preened for Natasha, who only gave her an indulgent smile and pat on the head.  Natasha watched as Steve returned with a stack of plates, full of miniature versions of bar food.  She eyed the plate full of the slider burgers with a wrinkle of her nose.  She hoped the bottomless pit that was Captain America hadn't emptied out the entire supply.  She loved the little sliders that Darcy made.

"I have brought mead!" Thor announced from the door.  "I was saving it for a special occasion, and that occasion is my sister winning her own hand.  Tonight we will celebrate Asgard's most glorious princess!"

(" _ To Princess Darcy! Asgard's most precious jewel! _ ")

Jane followed, her hands holding a huge tray covered in tin foil.

"Where do you want this, Darce?" Jane wondered.  "Minnie at the cafeteria says you owe her cookies in exchange for the chicken tenders."

"Sweet, just pop them over there where the sliders were," Darcy pointed before sitting right down on top of Steve's lap.  He took it in stride, moving his plates so that he could put his arms around her and put the plates of food in her lap. 

Natasha scowled as Darcy picked up one of the precious sliders and popped it into the gaping maw of Captain America.  That greedy bastard took all the mini-burgers and only little pulled pork sliders remained.  Her hand twitched at her side, and she very nearly had a blade in it before Sam nudged her with his elbow.  He held up a plate that he had assembled for her and sure enough, there were the remainder of mini-burgers.

"Thought you'd want these before Thor got here," Sam shrugged, holding out the plate for her.  She only gave him a suspicious look, as if he would have done something to them.  So he rolled his eyes and shrugged, "Fine.  More for me."

His hands gripped one of the burgers and he stuffed it in his mouth, chewing with exaggerated ecstasy on his face.  He went to pick up another one and finally Natasha huffed a sigh and held out her hand.

"I'm sorry, did you want some of this?" Sam wondered.  "Should have said something Red."

"I would like one, please," Natasha said sullenly, her words far more polite than her tone suggested.

"Too bad, this was all that was left," Sam smirked. 

She opened her mouth to verbally abuse him and her hand went back to grab her blade hidden in her belt.  It was all the preoccupation and opportunity that Sam needed though, and Natasha soon had a mouthful of burger that Sam had crammed into her mouth messily.

Sam knew his actions would have no retribution.  Those mini-burgers were seriously that good.  Her eyes went shut and she let out a satisfied little humming noise.  When she opened her eyes she actually smiled at him.

"You know, you're awful cute, Romanoff, when you're not trying to be..."

"Deadly?" Natasha offered.

"Nah, you're cute when you're deadly, too," Sam shook his head.  "I was going to say closed off.  It's nice to see you unclench a little."

He handed her the last little burger and took off to sit around the large circular dining table with too many people crammed around it, even with Darcy using Steve's lap as a seat.  Darcy gave Natasha a wink and slid her eyes to Sam's open lap.  Natasha gave the feisty little matchmaker a glare before walking up to Darcy and Steve.  She pushed Darcy's thigh so that she took up one half of Steve's lap only. 

"This seat taken?" Natasha wondered with mock cheerfulness before sitting down on the other half of Steve's lap. 

To his credit Steve only shrugged, while still reaching around Darcy to try to defend his burgers from Natasha's grabby hands.

Wanda approached the table with a plate piled high with chicken fingers in one hand and a honey bear dug out of Natasha's tea cabinet in the other.  She frowned when there were no other seats available but quickly grinned when she saw that Steve's lap contained both Darcy and Natasha.   She turned her grin to Vision and he considered her before shaking his head no.

Clearly, his interference and job as a buffer between Helen and Bucky could not be accomplished with the distraction of Wanda.  Instead, Vision pushed Helen gently to take up half a chair, and gestured for Wanda to sit.  So Bucky was blocked from Helen by both Vision and Wanda. 

"So, explain how this game is played, Little Lewis?" Bucky decided not to provoke the angry toddler that was Vision. 

"The goal is to get super drunk," Jane offered helpfully as she approached the table with large plastic cups full of mead that she placed in front of Steve and Bucky. 

Darcy explained the rules a little better, and less than an hour later, nearly everyone except for Darcy and Natasha were pretty drunk.  Half an hour into the game, Steve had lifted Natasha and placed her on Sam's lap unceremoniously.  He then proceeded to cuddle Darcy to within an inch of her life, but by the sounds of her giggling and cooing, she wasn't complaining.

Steve Rogers was a  _ very handsy  _ drunk.  Everyone was very pointedly trying not to look at his wandering hands. 

Except for Bucky who was constantly giving his best friend encouragement from the other side of the table. 

"Thatta boy!" Bucky clapped as Steve made Darcy have a full body shiver at something an unseen hand under the table and a pair of lips against the side of her neck did.  Bucky lazily took another drink of his mead, never mind that the game had never once necessitated him drinking, and he huffed out a happy sigh, "I taught that punk everything he knows."

"Highly inappropriate," Vision shook his head in disapproval.  "You will keep your hands off of Mother Helen."

"Pal, I hate to disappoint you, but I already kissed your ma," Bucky gave a slow grin in fond remembrance.  "Nicest kiss I ever had in nearly a hundred years worth of living."

Vision spluttered in annoyance, glaring between Bucky with disgust before looking back to Helen as if he had been betrayed.

"Vision, I have explained to you repeatedly.  I am a grown woman," Helen said softly, leaning over Wanda, who, despite being tipsy, desperately wanted to be elsewhere.

"Yes, but you are also my treasured mother," Vision nodded.

"Mothers are allowed to date, surely you wouldn't want me to date Tony or Thor!" Helen shook her head. 

"My Thor," Jane wagged her finger at Helen playfully, knowing that ages ago, Helen might have had a crush on her Asgardian beloved.  To prove her point, she turned in Thor's lap and essentially licked his face.

"You see, think of your step-mothers," Helen explained patiently.  "You love Jane and Pepper."

"Certainly," Vision nodded.  "But they are brilliant and capable women, not... _ Bucky Barnes _ ."

Wanda grew tired of the mother son conversation she was essentially a part of and decided to just float upwards, hovering lazily above the table, shamelessly peaking at everyone else's cards. 

"Don't say his name like it's bad!" Steve managed to stop nuzzling his face into Darcy's hair to glare at his Avengers teammate.  "Bucky Barnes is the best man I know!"

"You must not know very many men," Vision said calmly.

"That's it!"  Helen rose to her feet, pushing a floating Wanda out of the way and reaching for Vision's ear.  She gripped it in her strong little hand and began dragging him out the door.  "You are so grounded."

"I approve of this punishment!" Thor called out helpfully.  "Lady FRIDAY, confirm with Vision's other father that he shall be held prisoner until he feels remorse for his hurtful words!"

"How, in the hell is this my life?" Sam muttered, looking between Bucky as he took another swig of the strong Asgardian mead and then Steve, his outburst finished as he turned Darcy in his lap and kissed every inch of her face with such a sugary sweetness that Sam felt his family history of Type II diabetes sneaking up on him.

“You didn’t run fast enough to get away from Steve Rogers one morning,” Natasha replied pleasantly as she took a delicate sip of Steve’s mead, feeling the warmth go through her.

 

“Nobody runs as fast as Steve, except maybe his girl, metaphorically,” Sam chuckled as Darcy avidly tried to make heart shaped hickies on Steve’s neck.  “Those two are moving a little fast.”

 

“It’ll happen when two attractive, compatible people are stuck in close quarters together,” Natasha shrugged.  

 

“The courting has not been proper,” Thor grumbled, his mead making him decidedly contemplative.  “I have no doubt of the validity of Steven’s devotion, but they are protected in this safe haven and therefore are moving much faster.”

 

“Going out to see a picture might be helpful,” Bucky admitted, giving Natasha and Sam a wink before taking another swig of mead.  

 

“Indeed.  A picture!” Thor nodded.  “We shall go out into the world and test the limits of this new relationship to make sure the bond takes a proper hold.”

 

“We?” Steve managed to surface from the very inappropriate canoodling he and Darcy had been doing in front of their friends.  “But Darcy needs her guard dog.”  

 

“Romanoff?”  Wilson jostled his leg that Natasha was sitting on.

 

“Yes, Wilson?” Natasha rolled her eyes.

 

“Can I take you to a  _ picture show _ ?” Sam smirked.

 

Natasha took a deep sigh, stole another sip of Steve’s mead before looking at Darcy, who was staring at her with big, hopeful blue eyes from the comfortable cage of Steve’s embrace.  

 

“Sure,” she shrugged.  “Sounds like it won’t completely suck.”

 

* * *

 

_ Dating is a peculiar custom and is exclusively Midgardian.  Going on a date means that two Midgardians, who may or may not be interested in becoming mates, will go on an adventure together, and depending on the success of the adventure, there could be hand holding, or kissing, or possibly even more.  The adventures seem completely mundane, such as eating prepared food, spending time talking together in a picturesque setting, or watching one of the entertaining Midgardian films in a dark room with hundreds of strangers.   _

 

* * *

 

"Surely sitting in a dark room with strangers is dangerous!" Sif disagreed.

 

"Surely sitting in a dark room with strangers makes it difficult to become truly acquainted with one another," Fandral added.  “And by get acquainted I mean---”

 

“We know what you mean, man trollop!” Odin called out.

 

"Surely sitting in a dark room with strangers is the thing of nightmares," Hogun whispered, the idea of it terrifying to him.

 

"I daresay it is entertaining," Thor nodded.  "You laugh together as one unit, you, your date, and the room full of strangers."

 

"Midgardians are truly strange," Volstagg giggled.

 

"Luckily, when we went to the  _ picture _ , we had the good fortune of having so very many people along that it felt less like strangers and more like dating a large group of friends," Thor nodded with a big, beaming smile.  

 

* * *

 

"This is less a double date, and more like an orgy."

 

Natasha shrugged at Darcy's realization as they all piled into the movie theater, candy, popcorn, sodas and any other snack they had available at the refreshment counter were piled high in every arm of every person that had decided going out to see a movie was an excellent idea.  Natasha had happily used her Stark card and bought out the entire theater for the cartoon movie that would no doubt make Darcy and Helen cry.

 

"Sneaky," Helen managed to dunk one of her soft pretzel bites into cheesy sauce before bending her head at an awkward angle to be able to pop it in her mouth.  

 

"I will have you on a proper date with him, even if it kills me," Darcy narrowed her eyes at Natasha.  She'd had just about enough of the Black Widow being miserable.  

 

Darcy had been rallying for Sam Wilson for a long time now.  She had quickly converted Jane and Helen to her cause.  Ever since Maria had told Darcy about Sam and Natasha's meet cute in DC, as well as how concerned Sam had been when Natasha had been shot by Bucky (again).

 

Darcy and Jane had not been in New York City that fateful night that Ultron was hatched.  Had she been there, she might have tried to sway things a little.  Or a lot.  But Natasha was left to her own devices, and instead of accepting Sam's suggestion of leaving the party and going to get real food in lieu of Stark's endless booze and canapes (the man couldn't throw a decent party without Pepper to help him, really), Natasha turned him down.  

 

And that had worked out so spectacularly for her, as Bruce was still nowhere to be found.

 

"Good luck, Mrs. America," Natasha rolled her eyes.  The three women watched as Steve sat in one of the seats, the cup holder pushed up and out of the way.  He was anxiously looking around, presumably for Darcy, and when he spotted her, the grin that bloomed could have split his face in two.  "You won't be able to do any nefarious matchmaking if your lips are permanently attached to Steve's."

 

"Don't underestimate me," Darcy advised helpfully.  "I mean, here you are, out of the facility, enjoying yourself for the first time in over a year."

 

Natasha scowled as a hand occupied Helen patted the side of her head against her shoulder in a sign of solidarity while Darcy skipped off to go back to Steve, foregoing the seat he had saved for her entirely to cozy up on his lap.

 

"You do like, Sam, don't you?" Helen asked quietly.  Darcy wouldn't be playing around with Natasha if it weren't true.

 

"Far too much for his own good," Natasha murmured.  "Sam Wilson is a good man."

 

"Then, that sounds good," Helen shrugged.  "A good man is what you deserve."

 

Natasha gave Helen one of those rare looks of hers, just a few seconds of absolutely heartbreaking honesty.  Helen sighed and shook her head.  

 

"No," she insisted.

 

"Excuse me?" Natasha arched a brow.  While she and Helen would never be as close as Natasha and Darcy were (it was physically impossible to match their level of comfort with one another), they were still very, very close.  Helen knew better than to argue.

 

"So you were a brainwashed assassin for Mother Russia," Helen gave her a lopsided smirk.  "That fact doesn't preclude you from happiness."

 

"Your perspective on brainwashed assassins for Mother Russia is skewed," Natasha huffed an unimpressed chuckle.

 

"If Bucky ever tries pulling this I'M TOO DAMAGED FOR YOU act, I'm going to punch him in the face," Helen insisted.  

 

Bucky was sitting a few seats down from a canoodling Steve and Darcy, seated in between Vision and a seriously bored and pissed off Wanda, who was looking longingly at Darcy and Steve's adorable, inappropriate public displays of affection.  Bucky was looking for Helen, eager to have her back, even if he had to sit through the movie with a Vision sized buffer between them.

 

"I don't think you have to worry about that," Natasha assured her.

 

"Okay, but imagine if he did.  Or Steve did this to Darcy," Helen's eyes widened in abject horror at the idea.  "Imagine how HURT we would be, wondering what we had done, or how we were lacking and why didn't they just want to...be around us?  What would you do?"

 

"I'd destroy them," Natasha admitted easily.  She shrugged and repeated, "Sam Wilson is a good man."

 

Helen nodded and gave another pat of her forehead against Natasha's shoulder before walking away, intent on having her date with her one year old pseudo son smack dab in the middle.  

 

Natasha sighed and looked over the people in the theater.  Steve was actually trying to keep it PG-13, gently moving Darcy's hands any time they tried to go for below the belt action.  Helen was leaning over Vision to hand Bucky half of the snacks she had gotten.  Jane and Thor were sitting thigh to thigh, hand in hand.  Pietro was sitting with Barton, as they facetimed with Laura and the kids before the movie could start.  Only one of their party was missing.

 

"Hey," Sam said quietly from behind her.

 

It was not often that any mortal human could get the drop on Natasha.  Clint had managed it a handful of times in their time together, but he had paid dearly for it each time.  Sam stood behind Natasha at the door to the theater, about five feet away, his hands shoved into his pockets.

 

"Building is secure," Natasha announced at the same time that Sam said,

 

"They're out of snacks.  Helen cleared them out."

 

"A movie is no fun without popcorn," Natasha nodded, turning back to the theater to catch Darcy peering over Steve's shoulder at her with an arched brow.

 

"You know what's fun without popcorn?" Sam wondered, his head nodding up and down slightly.  

 

"Quite a lot of things?" Natasha pursed her lips in a guarded smile.

 

"I was going to say the arcade shooting games they have out there," Sam laughed, jerking his head in the direction of the lobby.  "Come on, let the kids watch their movie and eat their body weight in popcorn.  Let's see if we can make the machine run out of tickets."

 

Natasha shook her head and looked back at Darcy, who was grinning  now, making a little  _ shooo shooo _ gesture with her hand.  Natasha turned back to Sam and nodded.

 

"Ten bucks says I outscore you."

 

"Again, Red, I have to tell you, that my momma didn't raise no fool," Sam laughed.  "But I'll up it to twenty if you can outscore me in DDR."

 

* * *

 

Natasha outscored Sam in DDR.  She doubled his score, actually.  And instead of taking his twenty dollars, she proposed leaving the movie theater and going into the mall adjacent to the theater to get food court snacks, which were superior to the movie theater’s sad provisions.  So two cinnabon’s, an ice cream cone and a package of warmed candied nuts later, they wandered slowly back to the theatre, stopping at a shop that had Avenger’s merchandise on display.

 

“I will never get used to that,” Sam shook his head in wonder as he saw a young boy running out of the shop with a Falcon t-shirt on, and replica goggles around his neck.

 

“You want to make his day?” Natasha wondered, grabbing Sam by the hand and leading him to where the little man had joined his father and a younger sister.  She smiled at the little family and said, “I like your shirt.”

 

“Thanks, Falcon is the best!” the little boy grinned happily.  The grin slowly faded as he realized who was standing right in front of him, replaced with a shocked look that quickly melted into panicked tears.  He started to wail, which set his little sister off into tears as well, all of it resulting in a seriously distressed father who was trying to calm his children in the presence of two Avengers.

 

“Oh, hey, buddy, hey, it’s alright,” Sam knelt to be on the boy’s level, giving him one of his biggest smiles.  “My name is Sam.”

 

“ **I** **_KNOW!_ ** **”** the boy shouted anxiously.  “You’re my favorite Avenger, and I’m sorry I’m crying!”

 

“No, that’s alright, it’s okay,” Sam promised.  “Sometimes you just have so many feelings that it all comes out in tears.  That’s okay.”

 

“Do you cry?” the little man sniffled.

 

“Of course I do,” Sam nodded.

 

“Do you?” He wondered of Natasha, his sniffles slowing down.  

 

“Yes, I cry,” Natasha promised him.  

 

“You’re Lila’s favorite!” The little boy pointed to his sister, who was about two years old, and had stopped crying quickly.  She was staring at Natasha instead, making grabby hands for her favorite superhero.  “I’m Jack and this is my Dad….sometimes Mommy calls him Zack.”

 

“Hi, nice to meet everyone,” Sam nodded.  “I really like your goggles.”

 

“Thanks!” Jack grinned proudly.  “Where are your wings?”

 

“Well, they’re in the car,” Sam explained.  And they really were, along with Steve’s shield and Clint’s Bow and everyone’s gear, just in case there was a call to assemble.  Of course the car had a state of the art alarm system run by FRIDAY, as well as a cloaking system that hid the contents from any passersby  “But I’m only allowed to use them when there is a call to assemble.”

 

“Oh, I wish there was a call to assemble right now,” Jack frowned.  

 

“Well how about this, how about we take pictures with you, and someday, when we’re practicing, maybe Dad can bring you out to watch.”

 

“WOAH,” Jack’s eyes widened and tears threatened again.

 

Natasha watched as Sam smoothed over the kid’s anxiety again.  She managed to paste a smile on her face as they snapped pictures.  She stood awkwardly with the father and the little girl who was still making grabby hands at Natasha.  

 

“May I---could I hold her?” Natasha asked softly.  

 

“Of course,” he nodded, handing the toddler to the deadly spy without a second thought.

 

Sam and Jack came out with a few bags of toys a few minutes later.  Sam was stunned to see Natasha cuddling and chatting with the baby girl and was struck with how completely unguarded she was.  He knelt next to Jack and began signing all the merchandise he had purchased, all the while sneaking looks at Natasha playing with the little girl.  He finally stood up and handed a little stuffed Black Widow doll to the little girl, earning a soft smile from Natasha.

 

“So, it’s been a lot of fun guys, but we have to go check in with headquarters,” Sam gave Natasha a wink.  They’d been gone at least an hour, and the movie was only ninety minutes long.  

 

They said their goodbyes before heading back to the theater, walking close enough together that their shoulders bumped.  

 

“So, Fury appointed Darcy Lewis watcher,” Sam said quietly.

 

“Yes?” Natasha asked.

 

“How do you feel about dinner?  In a  _ non- _ Darcy Lewis watching capacity?” Sam wondered.  

 

“Maybe,” Natasha had a half smile on her face.  

 

“I’ll take it,” Sam nodded.  He sniffed the air when he opened the theater door and frowned at the smell of burning.  Bad burning, not just popcorn burning.  “Shit, Fury wasn’t lying, she really needs a guard dog at all times in public, doesn’t she?”

 

In answer, Natasha took off at a sprint just as the sprinklers turned on in the theater.  Sure enough, when they got to the room they had left the rest of their friends in, Darcy had a fire extinguisher in hand pointed at a row of smoldering seats, while Vision and Wanda wrestled with each other in the air in front of the screen.  Thor and Jane were nowhere to be found.  Bucky was trying to quickly wipe fire extinguisher residue from Helen, who was covered in it, from head to toe.  Steve had Pietro in a headlock and Clint was too busy laughing to care about the hundreds of gallons of water that were currently  _ ruining _ the theater and soaking everyone to the bone.

 

“If we do this dinner thing, Wilson, just know that I’m chaining Darcy into the closet before I leave,” Natasha huffed a sigh, pushing her wet hair from her face.”

 

“I am totally okay with that, Red.  Seems like a solid plan.”

  
  


* * *

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, still having weird formatting issues that I just don't want to deal with. Sorry.


	7. Love's Avengers Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming into the home stretch, my darlings! :D
> 
> Only one more to go after this!

**Chapter Seven:  Love’s Avengers Lost**

 

* * *

* * *

 

_ Danger would often visit the dear sisters in their lives.  Lady Natasha was born and bred with danger, whereas Lady Darcy simply found it wherever she went.  Even as new love bloomed, whether it be at first sight, gently growing, or peeking out of the roughest bramble, danger would find them. _

 

* * *

 

“But the babe!” Odin said with no small amount of worry.

 

“Is there or is there not a babe?” Volstagg demanded anxiously.  “You talk of intense and frequent mating between the Captain and the Lady Darcy, yet you speak of none of your usual Midgardian prophylactics.  And Lady Darcy did not imbibe the liquors on Thirsty Thorsday…”

 

“THORSDAY!” Fandral called out excitedly.

 

“I must know now, is the Princess of Asgard to bring forth the offspring of the Captain of America!” Volstagg demanded irately.  “The suspense is killing me.  You do enjoy torturing me.”

 

“I do,” Thor nodded happily.  “It was a scant two months since the Soldiers Three had called the small village of SHIELD their home before a call to assemble rung throughout the halls….”

 

* * *

 

“Hey!  You are  _ not  _ allowed to be at assemble calls, kid!” 

 

Darcy scowled at Clint as the Avengers assembled in the HQ/locker room.  Maria was behind the massive holo desk, working four screens at once as she worked on preparing to brief the Avengers before they headed out.  Steve looked up from where he was zipping up the uniform and he abandoned his task completely, rushing to Darcy and pulling her into his arms in a tight embrace.

 

“Sweetheart, can you promise me you’ll stay in this room with Maria until we get back?” Steve whispered softly.  

 

“I can, but it would probably be a lie,” Darcy said honestly.  “And I haven’t lied to you yet, Steve, so I’d like to say that I will do my very best to not get into any mischief while you go and save the world.”

 

“I’ll take it,” Steve nodded, leaning in to kiss her with surprising chasteness.  “Darce?”

 

“Hmm?’ She smiled at him.  

 

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips.  

 

( _ Volstagg squealed in giddiness and even Hogun squirmed in his happiness _ .)

 

“Yeah, I figured,’ Darcy nodded.  She gave him a wrinkled nose and said, “And I’ll say it back to you when you come home in one piece.”

 

“But you will say it back to me, because you do?” Steve kissed her wrinkled nose.

 

“You’ll just have to come home safe to find out,” Darcy insisted.  “Now come on, go and get suited up.”

 

Vision watched the interaction with interest from the other side of the room.  If he were to say that he were in love, it would certainly be said to Wanda.  If he could ever figure out what being in love felt like.  He felt a warmth around Wanda.  A feeling of contentment, of being safe and happy and calm all at once when they were doing even the most mundane tasks together.  He watched Darcy as she gave Steve a large smile before he turned away from her, and he could see the worry filter through her happy expression.  She sat at the desk opposite Maria, and he could monitor her working through the firewalls of the SHIELD systems, gaining intel and information about the upcoming mission.  

 

“Don’t say anything,” Wanda warned him.  “It will help ease her anxiety in sending away her loving boyfriend into battle.”

 

“Of course,” Vision nodded.

 

He looked across the room to see Bucky there, getting his own tactical gear on, hiding weapons everywhere conceivable.  Just as he knew Darcy and Steve were in love, he knew that Bucky was on the precipice of loving Helen just as much as Darcy and Steve loved one another.  

 

There was always a chance that one of the Avengers could come back in grave danger, or not at all.  Vision couldn’t help but silently calculate the odds on who would be most hurt, or who may fall on the battlefield.  He knew there was only a small chance that Bucky would succumb to an enemy’s blow, Clint was far more likely to meet a sadder end.  But even the smallest chance had Vision concerned that his mother Helen would not get a chance to say goodbye to the unworthy man who had still stolen her heart.

 

“Barton, Wilson, come here!” Helen called out as she rushed into the room with a few first aid kits piled into her arms.  She opened one and began pulling things out, “Burn sheets, if someone has a burn, no matter how severe, place this gently on it, it will dissolve and provide pain relief and an agent for quick healing.  Epidural tabs, in case of extreme pain or wounds, put it under the tongue, it will target the spine directly and numb the pain.  Nanite stitch solution, any cut, put it on, the nanites will work to hold the skin together…”

 

“Holy first aid pinata presents, Batgirl,” Clint held out his hands eagerly for one of the kits so that he could appropriately stash it on his person.  

 

Helen nodded as the men took the kits before she spared one look at Bucky, giving him a small smile and a tiny wave.  He nodded at her, the response equivalent to Steve’s stalking across the room and embracing his dame.  Bucky was in a separate headspace at the moment.  This was his first call to assemble since the events of the Spring.  He was actively trying to keep himself in a good headspace, one that was ready for action, but wasn’t ready to shut down and let any assassin alter egos take over.  

 

Darcy smiled up at Helen as she continued to shamelessly hack into systems right in front of Maria’s face.  Natasha breezed into the room and stood behind the girls.  She gave them an arched eyebrow that conveyed just how badly she needed them to behave.

 

This was not a small call to assemble to deal with leftover doombots.  This was a multi-organization call to deal with other worldlies threatening to land on the lawn of the White House and take things over piece by piece.  Thor had said something about  _ Agents of Thanos _ and Natasha knew that was not good news.

 

“Please be careful?” Helen wondered.  It never escaped her notice that out of all the Avengers, Natasha and Clint and now Sam were the most vulnerable.  

 

“I will keep your men safe,” Natasha assured them.

 

“They can keep themselves safe,” Darcy disputed.  “Keep yourself safe, dammit.”

 

“Always,” Natasha smiled softly at them.  

 

“Alright people, wheels up in five,” Maria announced, rising from her seat and grabbing her gear.  “We’ll debrief on the plane.”

 

“You aren’t staying?” Bucky furrowed his brow.  He knew Fury was already in DC with Rhodes.  It would mean that the highest level of security for the home base would be a handful of baby SHIELD agents and Jane, Darcy and Helen.  

 

“I’m needed there.  I trust the girls to stay safe,” Maria said, although there was a glint in her eye that betrayed just how much she trusted the girls.  She nodded grimly and announced,  “High flyers on board, save your fuel and energy for when we get there.  The Four and a group of X-men are also en route.  Let’s do this.”

 

* * *

 

_ Midgardians have a saying that translates well into Asgardian.   _

 

_ 'Too many cooks in the kitchen.' _

 

_ This translates into Asgardian as 'Extra Hands Get Uncomfortably Stuck in Crevices.' _

 

_ The same fundamental idea is hidden in these colloquialisms.  And they were never more true than when the great costumed warriors of Midgard got together to vanquish the evil forces that threatened the safety of the rest of the Midgardians. _

 

_ Luckily, these costumed warriors had a mighty force to keep all of their warring interests and personalities in check. _

 

* * *

 

"STORM!  You little bastard matchstick," Natasha bellowed from behind Steve, where Johnny had missed the broad side of the barn that was the landed invader.  Steve had taken the blow of the fireball with the shield.  "They're trying to kill us enough, you don't need to help.  Protocol Friendly Fire is in play here, you had that protocol under control last week."

 

"Sorry!" Johnny said genuinely.  "I'm just a little over excited.  We haven't had real bad guys in a while."

 

"Can I get a flyer over here to give me a lift?" Natasha wondered over the comm units.  "I see some trapped civilians at the--- _ thing’ _ s one o'clock."

 

They had no better name for the  _ thing _ .  Even Thor didn’t know what it was.  It was two stories high, looked to be made of granite and steel, and had a viciously barbed tail.  And it was pissed off and decided to be especially pissed at all the tiny superheros trying to contain it.

 

"Coming at you Red," Sam announced, swooping out of the sky where the rest of the team flyers were concentrating fire on the top of the  _ thing _ while the ground crew cleared out civilians.  

 

"Buck, give us cover, Tiny Dancer maneuvers in play," Steve advised over the comms as Natasha backed away from him, giving her room to run as she signaled her finger in the air to him so he'd know what she needed. 

 

After the Chitauri attack in New York City years ago, Steve and Natasha realized that he could essentially toss or throw her just about anywhere, but if she got some momentum and he used the shield to fling her, she could get just as high as any of the flyers on the team.  They'd practiced extensively on who could catch Natasha the best.  The Falcon was certainly the best, except for Wanda, who would use a protective force field to catch her anywhere (and had when Tony and Rhodey's suits proved too slippery to gain any traction on) 

 

Steve nodded at Natasha as he spied Sam's wings getting closer.  He kept up the orders as he braced himself for Natasha's approach, "Barton, see if any of your trick arrows will work on that forcefield around it.  We've got to contain this thing, if it gets any closer to the city, we're going to have a lot of casualties on our hands."

 

Sam swooped down to about fifty feet above Natasha and Steve just as Natasha connected with Steve's shield and muscles.  She was flying through the air and Sam had her in his embrace in seconds, just at the apex of her jump.  

 

"That's a damned thing of beauty," one of the female X-Men laughed over the comms.  "Hey, Cap, I'm Natasha sized, can I hire you guys out for my birthday next year?  The fireworks really do belong in the sky."

 

"Jujubee, I told you that if you want to fly, I'll take you up," Tony chattered over the comms to his new X-teammate.  

 

The exchange program was certainly working, Johnny's fiery outburst aside.  The three teams were working a little better together.  And they would certainly need to to take this thing down before any of its friends showed up.

 

"Maybe if you stop coating that thing down with vaseline," Jubilee muttered, causing quite a few chortles to go over the comms.

 

Natasha rolled her eyes as Sam got his feet on the ground, bringing the wings in as he provided her closer cover when she went about kicking the door to the building in.  Sure, they were all working together on the larger threat, but the chatter on the comms was getting a little ridiculous.  Too many big personalities sharing one line.

 

"Hey guys!  How's it hanging?"

 

Natasha huffed out a sigh and shared a commiserating look with Sam.  

 

"DARCE!  I miss you, short and stacked," Tony chirped happily.  "Xavier doesn't have a Darcy at the mansion."

 

"What did you call her?" Steve grumbled over the line.  

 

"Darcy, why did you hack into the comm feed?" Natasha demanded. She would have liked to leave Darcy with some kind of handler, but this was an all hands on deck situation.  She had hoped that Helen and Jane would have had the level head, just this once, and managed to keep Darcy in line instead of following her into the fun, danger filled fray.

 

"Because I have vital information to give you," Darcy insisted cheerfully.  "Also, hi Steve!  Did you get my note?"

 

"Yes, sweetheart, I got your note," Steve's voice was soft and tender.

 

"Wait, WHAT?" Tony shouted through the comms.  "What?   **WHAT** ?   **_WHAT_ ** ?   **_WHAT_ ** ?"

 

"This is what happens when you don't call, you don't write," Darcy scolded Tony.  

 

"Darcy, focus!" Natasha demanded as she worked her way down to the shelter of the basement that the civilians had fled to.

 

"Oh, right, we're under attack," Darcy explained cheerfully.  "So is the Baxter Building and the X-Mansion. A lot of smaller versions of what you guys are dealing with now.  They’d be cute, really, if it weren’t for the awful acid spit."

 

“Acid spit?” Rhodey sighed.  As if cue, the  _ thing  _ spit acid on the wrought iron gate of the White House and sure enough, it melted like ice cream on a hot summer day.  “Man, no offense Thor, but aliens suck.”

 

Steve felt like he had been punched in the gut by someone strong enough to do some damage.  He spun in a circle on the battlefield, only just seeing the  _ thing _ 's tail coming at him in time to jump it.  He had to figure out a way back to her.  They had left her there with a skeleton crew of agents and absolutely no supers.  She, Helen and Jane were all vulnerable.  He saw Bucky scrambling from his nest, heading straight for him. Steve looked up and Thor seemed non-plussed.  Steve looked to Bucky, who was CRAZED with panic and held up his finger to get him to stop moving towards him.

 

"I've got the facility handled.  All personnel are in the main building, armed to the teeth, and Jane is testing out that new forcefield thing she was working on with Johnny.  A squirrel couldn't squeeze it's ass in here," Darcy explained.  "I've got Wade on Baxter Building duty, so don't worry Sue, your kidlet is totally safe."

 

"Shit," Sue sighed.  "I mean,  _ thank you _ , but whenever Wade babysits he teaches all kinds of curse words."

 

"Sorry, not sorry.  Toddlers swearing is always adorable," Darcy disputed.  "And the X-Mansion doesn't need help, according to the awesome thirteen year old who picked up the phone.  The kids are having a field day keeping these things contained."

 

"Alright, Darcy.  Keep up the good work," Steve sighed in relief.  He realized that Thor hadn't been concerned because Darcy and Jane were excellent at taking care of themselves at that point.  They'd dealt with enough alien invaders in their short lives.

 

"No, do not listen to that order," Natasha said roughly.  "You are to maintain your status, Darcy.  Do not continue to do good work.  Dammit Rogers, you have to be specific with your instructions here, she'd figure out a way to ---"

 

The sound of an explosion cut into the feed, and from what Steve could see of the battlefield, it had definitely come from either Darcy or Natasha's end.  His panic grew once more and he saw Bucky  _ jump _ from his place thirty feet up.

 

"Red?" Sam called out, abandoning his post and going into the building.

 

"Tash?" Darcy questioned, her voice quiet and small.  

 

"Shit," Sam huffed out.  "It was a trap.  She's hurt."

 

"Patch her up and get her back to the quinjet," Steve ordered.  "Darcy?  It'll be alright."

 

...

 

.........

 

"Darcy?  Sweetheart?"

* * *

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh noes! 
> 
> Dun, dun, duuuuuunnnnn!


	8. All's Swell That Ends Swell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I lied. I ended up splitting the last chapter into two chapters. So, for realio, one chapter left after this one! :D

**Chapter Eight:  All’s Swell that Ends Swell**

 

* * *

* * *

 

_ The bond of sisterhood, whether that sisterhood be by blood or by choice, is one of the strongest bonds across all the realms.  Lady Darcy and Natasha have proven this time and time again.  After the fall of SHIELD, Lady Darcy lifted her sister’s spirits when no one else could, giving her joy when there was none to be found.  Lady Natasha has helped her sister as well, whether it be bailing her out of the local prisons or faking her death to escape an overly amorous intern.   _

 

_ So when Lady Natasha’s life is hanging in the balance, there is no force on this Earth that could keep Lady Darcy from running to her aid. _

 

* * *

 

“I am most anxious for Natasha,” Fandral admitted, his face looking gray.  

 

“Really?” Hogun asked curiously.

 

“Aye, it would be a great pity if her beauty was extinguished from Midgard,” Fandral sighed.  He perked up immediately.  “Although, surely she will be welcome in Valhalla, and if so, perhaps I should visit her at my earliest convenience.”

 

“Natasha will be fine,” Sif promised.  “Prince Thor would have warned us of the story’s darkness prior to the telling of it.”

 

“Ah, that’s true,” Volstagg took a breath of relief.   “And Lady Darcy and the babe shall be well?”

 

“He never said anything about a babe!” Fandral huffed out in annoyance.  

 

“Still, there could be one,” Volstagg  _ pouted _ .  “Tis the kind of thing that would make for a great surprise!”

 

“And so would Natasha being called to the glorious halls of Valhalla,” Fandral argued.

 

“Natasha shall be safe!” Sif insisted.  “Darcy would never allow harm to befall her permanently.  You underestimate her.”

 

“She is very far away,” Hogun’s mouth tilted downward slightly.  “Surely her fellow warriors will be of most help.”

 

“If I were allowed to continue, you shall hear the ending to this tale,” Thor said with no small amount of mirth.  “For the first time in many years, the Black Widow had been caught in a trap, and she was now paying the price…”

 

* * *

 

“Shit, shit, shit,” Sam’s panicked chant could be heard through the comms as he knelt by an unconscious, injured Natasha.  

 

She must have turned away from the explosion just in time, as she was sprawled out on her stomach on the floor, the back of her tactical suit ripped and burned from the intensity of the blast.  Even the back of her hair had been burnt off, long red waves going up in smoke and ending in jagged ends at the nape of her neck.  

 

Sam pulled out the first aid pack that Helen had equipped her with and went to work, cutting away at the remains of the back of her suit and placing the burn sheets on the injuries.  He surveyed her neck, careful not to move it as he assessed the level of her injuries.  The front of her forehead was against the concrete, and he could see a major bruise forming there as well as a laceration.  Helen’s nano stitches were applied and Sam took a deep breath as he watched her skin mend itself quickly.

 

“Wilson, status!” Steve barked out from the front lawn, where it sounded like the angry  _ thing  _ was kicking things up a notch with the acid spit and the wicked destruction it was wreaking with its body.  They were also now seeing an influx of the smaller versions of the  _ thing _ .  Darcy was right, they would be cute were it not for the acid spit going everywhere.  The rest of the team became focused on containing the little beasts as well, knowing that if just one got off of the lawn and into the general public, they could do a lot of damage to any poor civilian that crossed its path.  

 

“Vitals are good,” Sam reported.  “She’s out cold, she may have a head injury or maybe even a neck injury.  She’s unresponsive, but I can’t move her in case of a neck injury.”

 

“Okay, stay there, guard her,” Steve ordered.  He huffed out a shaky breath and tried again, “Darcy?  Darcy, sweetheart, did you hear that?  Natasha is going to be okay, stay where you are.”

 

There was no response, and everyone on the comms was tense.  They all either  _ knew  _ Darcy personally, or had heard of her legend.  

 

“Her tracker still shows her at the facility, Cap,” Maria reported.  

 

“She loses trackers easier than most people lose their car keys,” Fury growled over the comms.  “You should have stayed with her.”

 

“The only person who could have gotten her to stay put is currently unconscious,” Maria argued, and everyone knew she was right.  “Vision, do you see a weakness on this guy yet?”

 

“Preliminary scans show no areas of vulnerability.  The exoskeleton is at least two feet thick, none of our team has the weaponry capable of breaching it,” Vision reported.  “The material samples show that the epidermis is not Earthly material, and appears to be stronger than steel.”

 

“Not stronger than vibranium though?” Tony wondered.  “Of course T’challa is halfway across the world right now.”

 

“I’m here,” Steve dodged the tail again, gripping his shield extra tight.  He wanted to get this done.  The longer it took to take this thing down, the longer amount of time Darcy had to find her way down to the trouble. “Tell me where to shove the shield, and I’ll do it.”

 

“We could probably try the eye, I mean, usually it’s the eye that’s vulnerable,” Clint sent an exploding arrow towards the  _ thing’s _ eye, but it disintegrated ten feet away from impact.  “Gonna have to figure out a way to get that forcefield down.”

 

“Cap!” Maria said in a panic that sent a fresh wave of panicked nausea through him.  “Her signal is gone from the facility---”

 

There was a flash of blinding white light, and when it receded, three small women were standing in the middle of the battle field, fifteen seconds away from getting seriously thrashed with the tail.  Helen had a large tote container in her hands, Jane had a small rectangular box in one hand and a bunch of sticks in the other, and Darcy had a slingshot.  

 

“Oh shit, good thing Nat’s passed out, cause she would lose her  _ shit _ over this,” Clint mumbled, clearly panicked.  

 

“Don’t tell her!” Helen squeaked out as she, Darcy and Jane ducked to the ground simultaneously, just barely missing the wide and dangerous tail of the  _ beast. _

 

Bucky had been mid-climb back to his perch when he heard her voice and he let go of his hand hold, falling back down to the ground, turning in mid air and pulling out a dangerous looking hand gun with his right hand and a deadly sharp knife in his left.  Before his feet could hit the ground, he was lifted in the air and was steadily zoomed towards the heart of the battlefield, where Helen was.

 

“Protect my mother at all costs,” Vision begged softly, zooming the Winter Soldier and dropping him on his feet in front of the girls.  

 

Bucky felt himself grasping onto a mindset that he had been terrified of a few months ago, a mindset that had him hurting people that should have been his friends.  This time though, he welcomed it.  His body was easily going into an offensive in front of the prone women, shooting, kicking, slashing at the small beasts that were trying to get to the new arrivals.  He did no damage to the little things, but he managed to create a buffer zone of safety, and that was enough for now.

 

“Please tell me there’s a reason you’re here,” Bucky grunted as he moved his metal arm to deflect little streams of acid, thankfully his arm seemed impervious, just as Steve’s shield was.  

 

“Oh, yes, please take me to Natasha,” Helen nodded, gesturing to her box.  “Mini cradle and everything I’d need to get her back on her feet.”

 

Thor landed next to Jane and gave her a patient smile.

 

“I enjoy seeing you on the field of battle as much as I enjoyed being forced to kiss the bilgesnipe, my Jane,” he said with an uncharacteristic tightness in his voice.  She popped a kiss on his cheek and he shook his head, “You should have tried to persuade Darcy to stay at the hearth.”

 

“But I have what you need!” Jane held up her machinery.  “We need to get these set up in a perimeter around the Jolly Stone Giant.”

 

Pietro was at their side in a flash, grabbing the sticks and zooming off.  Thor lifted Jane and went into the air.

 

“I’m taking you to Clint, is that close enough to do your work?” Thor wondered.  

 

“Ew, Clint,” Jane rolled her eyes.

 

“I heard that,” Clint huffed out in annoyance.

 

“I’m getting unfriendlies down here,” Sam announced.  “I could use some backup.”

 

Bucky turned to Helen and nodded, “Stay close to me, doll.”

 

“Like too sticky tape,” Helen agreed, shadowing Bucky’s every careful step as he led her to where Sam and Natasha were, kicking and tossing the little  _ things _ out of their path.  

 

Steve took up the defensive position by Darcy, sparing a concerned glance her way and rolling his eyes when she only shrugged and smiled.  She took aim with her slingshot and a small silver ball and one of the little  _ things  _ slowed in their advance as the silver ball landed on its gut.  The effect was instantaneous, as something magnetized in Darcy’s ammo and suddenly four other little things were clinging to the wounded beast against their will.  

 

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Steve grinned as the clump of aliens now had limited mobility and were spewing acid at each other’s faces, doing little damage, but obviously annoying them enough.  Darcy got off three more shots in the span of thirty seconds and soon most of the smaller monsters were stuck together in clumps.  

 

This seemed to annoy the larger stone beast as it roared with indignation and sent its tail flying in an arc.  Steve lifted Darcy up and protected her with the Shield as he took a vertical jump to avoid getting hit with the tail.  They landed and he couldn’t help but place a kiss on her forehead.

 

“You did good, sweetheart,” he sighed.  “Can Thor take you to Clint now? Please?”

 

“Oh no, I’m important to the plan,” Darcy insisted.  

 

“But sweetheart, the--”

 

“Jane is powering up,” Clint announced.

 

Darcy nodded and popped her slingshot in her back pocket before removing her pea shooter and placing it behind her ear.  Steve furrowed his brow at her, even as she goosed his uniform clad bottom with her free hand.

 

“What do you have there, sweetheart?” he wondered.

 

“Once Jane negates its forcefield, we’ll be able to shoot in at it, but she won’t be able to shoot out at us,” Darcy explained.

 

“She?” Tony repeated.  “Not a very attractive  _ she _ .”

 

“Well duh, she, those are her babies,” Darcy gestured to the clumps of stone baby beasts that were wandering ineffectively.  “But she’s pissed, so it would probably take a very small amount of time for her to break out of the forcefield.  So we need to make her sleepy.”

 

“And you have sedative for an alien stone monster?” Fury wondered.  

 

“Sure,” Darcy shrugged.  “I just have to get close enough to give it to her.”

 

“Hold on there, Lewis!” Fury shouted.

 

But it was too late, the force field hummed and crackled with energy as Jane obviously  _ reversed  _ it.  Darcy gave Steve another goose before she took off like a rocket, jumping towards the things legs and shimmying up them quickly.

 

She really was an excellent climber.  

 

“Rogers!  Wake the hell up and follow her!” Fury shouted.

 

Steve nodded before clamoring up the path that Darcy had taken.  He caught up when she had reached the thing’s midsection and he reached for her arm, swinging her so that she was clinging to his back.  He shook his head, glad that Bucky was otherwise occupied, or else he would never hear the end of it as they both risked their lives to climb up the angry alien’s body.  Once they reached its shoulder, Darcy didn’t even bother to hop off, she went for her pea shooter and took careful aim before Steve heard the popping and whizzing of multiple ‘ _ peas _ ’ past his ear going straight into the thing’s eye.

 

“See, the eye!” Clint crowed in victory.  “It’s always the eye.”

 

“It’s going to get dizzy,” Darcy whispered in Steve’s ear.  “Can you jump?”

 

“Sure,” Steve nodded.

 

“Wait wait wait, can you jump first and then can I jump and you catch me?” Darcy wondered hopefully.

 

“Sweetheart,  _ no _ , think of the---”

 

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” Darcy insisted as the beast began swirling around in drunken circles, bouncing off of the force field.  

 

“No,” Steve insisted.  

 

“Party pooper,” Darcy sighed.  

 

“If the force field is keeping this thing out,” Steve wondered, as he shifted his feet in order to stay on the thing’s shoulder as it swayed and staggered.  “How are we going to get out?”

 

“Whenever you’re ready, Janie can drop the field for a second to get us out,” Darcy explained, definitely pouting at Steve’s refusal to let her fall through the sky.  

 

“Clint, whenever Jane is ready, I will retrieve them,” Wanda announced, hovering close to the forcefield.  

 

“Oohhh, even better!” Darcy climbed off of Steve’s back despite his efforts to keep her there.  The forcefield buzzed and hummed and Steve grasped for Darcy desperately even as she took a running leap off of the stone giant.  She hooted with glee as Wanda enveloped her with a force field of her own energy.  The maneuver was obviously well practiced.  

 

“Quite a dame you got there, Rogers,” Logan chuckled over the comms.  

 

“Yeah,  she’s something alright,” Steve smiled, watching as Wanda delivered Darcy safely to the ground, still in a protective red-bubble.  

 

“Ha, short and stacked looks like a little hamster with giant boobs,” Tony cackled.  

 

Darcy was too busy enjoying her red bubble of awesome to sass Tony back, so Steve threw him the middle finger before jumping down himself, getting a small cushion blasted his way from Wanda.  He calmly walked over to Darcy as Jane brought the forcefield back up and he reached through the seemingly sentient bubble to stroke the side of her grinning face.  

 

“Will this keep you occupied?” 

 

“Doubtful,” Darcy admitted easily.  “Besides, I wanna try out the taser bands that Sally from engineering made me for my rubber band gun!”

 

* * *

  
  


"You're okay, you're okay," Sam whispered after having muted his comm unit and Natasha's.  Helen's first aid kit had worked wonders, but Natasha was still passed out.  "Open up those gorgeous eyes for me, Red.  I need to know what else hurts so I can help you."

 

To say he was panicked was an understatement.  He had never seen Natasha  _ hurt _ before.  Sure, she had been bruised and battered and even shot, plenty.  She had shown up on his doorstep back in DC a few years ago, hurt, but refusing to use Steve as any kind of crutch as they asked for help at the start of this whole Avenging business for him.  But Natasha obstinately refused to be completely incapacitated like this even in the most dire of situations.  All of the Avengers had been knocked out at least once during their intense training situations. But never Natasha, she had always avoided it.

 

The most vulnerable he had ever seen her before this moment was a few weeks ago, during one of their group dinners in the ladies' suite.  Steve and Bucky had been cleaning up dinner, and Sam had returned with the trays of desserts that Darcy had premade, along with a carafe of coffee.  

 

Natasha had been laying across Helen and Darcy on the couch, Darcy was rubbing at the redhead's temples, as if to soothe the pain of a headache, and Helen was tenderly probing at Natasha's ankle.  He had known that she was being overly dismissive after their group training session where one of the attack drones they used had managed to send a large piece of the former bleachers their way.  Natasha had managed to push Wanda out of the way, but in doing so had gotten clipped on the ankle.  Clint was sitting on the floor next to the couch, and Natasha had her hand on his shoulder, squeezing with the pain as Helen tended to a clearly broken ankle.

 

She had refused medical assistance at the time, claiming she was fine, and doing a damned fine job of convincing them when she had slapped Thor upside the head for giving the drone the opportunity to get the large ammo to throw.

 

But in the comfort of her home that she shared with the people closest to her, with those she felt most comfortable with, she allowed herself a moment of vulnerability.

 

Sam had felt guilty for having to witness it at the time.

 

But now, as Helen's medical tech worked at healing her wounds, she gave a small moan as she struggled to return to the surface of consciousness. Same reached out for her hand and gave it a small squeeze.

 

"You're okay, Red, everything is going to be fine," Sam promised in a low soothing tone.  "Don't move yet..."

 

Just then the commotion of Darcy, Helen and Jane's arrival began floating through the comm units.  Sam quickly reached for Natasha's and gently eased it off of her ear, as the sound of Darcy's voice had caused her to begin to stir even more.

 

"Everything is okay," Sam insisted.  "Darcy and Helen are---"

 

He winced at what he was hearing through the comms.  Helen was on her way to them with a Bucky Barnes escort. 

 

"They're safe," Sam lied.

 

"Liar," Natasha whispered.

 

“Do you have pain?  I have those tabs that Helen gave me,” Sam offered.  He rolled his eyes as she started to push herself up off the ground.  “Don’t even think about moving.”

 

Natasha gave him a wrinkle of her nose as she pushed herself up to sit very slowly.

 

“Alright, then don’t even think about standing,” Sam amended his order.

 

Natasha gave him an exasperated look of mirth and got up onto her feet.  

 

“Fine, don’t even think about putting that comm back in your ear,” Sam said in annoyance as she bent and picked up the comm.

 

She flat out smirked at him as she put the comm back in her ear.

 

“Alright, Red, I’m putting my foot down here,” Sam gave her a smirk right back.  “Don’t even think about going back out there.”

 

Natasha’s smirk faded as she listened to what was going on outside, just as Bucky ushered Helen into the room.  

 

“You said she was hurt,” Helen seemed super relieved that Natasha was on her feet.

 

“She  _ is _ ,” Sam insisted, reaching for Natasha’s shoulder and turning her gently to show Bucky and Helen her back.

 

Her completely healed back.

 

“Serum, Wilson,” Bucky reminded him helpfully.  “Serum plus Helen’s amazing remedies.”

 

Helen grinned at him.  

 

“We’re going back up,” Natasha nodded.  “Darcy needs us.”

 

“She seems to have things handled,” Bucky shrugged.

 

“She always does at first,” Natasha nodded.  She looked at Helen and asked, “Do you have something in that kit to sew my suit up in the back?  Sam tried to get me out of it without buying me dinner first.”

 

* * *

 

Bucky chose a different perch when he brought Helen back up to the surface.  They went directly to the top of the White House, and he set up shop, watching as the Avengers, Fantastic Four and X-Men were slowly bringing the large alien invader to its knees.  Helen sat next to him and he found that he didn’t really mind as she dangled her legs over the White House roof and leaned back on her elbows as he took his position, eye behind the scope of his sniper rifle.

 

“I feel kind of bad for it,” Helen admitted softly.

 

“What?  The giant stone and metal beast that tried to stomp all of us?” Bucky mumbled.

 

“Well, yeah.  I mean, what if it didn’t want to be here?” Helen wondered.  “It just wants to have its babies and get out of here, but you guys are shooting at it, and flinging shiny metal shields at it.   It just wants for its children to be safe.”

 

Bucky looked at Helen thoughtfully.  She was staring at Vision, watching as he swooped around the forcefield, surveying the thing, presumably looking for a weakness.  Her expression was anxious and concerned as her eyes darted to where Darcy was trying to peek around the mountain of Steve standing in front of her with her rubber band gun, loaded with one of the taser bands that an ambitious lab monkey had made for her.  She kept looking between Vision and Darcy, her worry only increasing as the alien kept leaving out mournful growls.

 

“Vision?” Bucky asked over the comms.  “Is there a way you can work with Thor to try and talk to this thing?”

 

Natasha furrowed her brow as she stalked up to Steve and Darcy, with Sam hot on her heels.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Natasha demanded.

 

“Helping!” Darcy called out cheerfully.  She waved at Sam and her eyes lit up with glee.  “Hey, does this count as a double date?”

 

“ _ What _ ?” Tony squawked over the comms.

 

“Wilson will take you to Clint,” Steve suggested, the hint of desperation in his voice.

 

“Ew,” Darcy wrinkled her nose.

 

“Rude!” Clint huffed out.

 

“Do not take her to Clint,” Natasha insisted.  She shook her head at Steve in disappointment, “Honestly Rogers, there are times when I think you have a few screws loose.”

 

“Jane is with Clint,” Steve shrugged.

 

“Oh good, why don’t we give Clint a harem of troublemakers up there,” Natasha smirked.  

 

“ _ Awesome _ ,” Clint chuckled.

 

“They would have the White House in rubble in less than ten minutes,” Natasha insisted.  

 

“It matters not where Lady Darcy does her work,” Thor announced as he touched down next to the quartet.  “Vision and I have conferred with the beast.  It would like to go home once all of its young are brought to it.”

 

“And how exactly are we sending it home?” Steve wondered.

 

“Oh!  I can help with that!” Darcy put her rubber band gun in its appropriate holster before darting away from Steve to get to one of the portal sticks.  “Janie and I made these multi-purpose, so they can---”

 

“Darcy!” Natasha shouted as one of the X-Men’s blasts of energy went off course.  

 

Steve’s stomach dropped and he went to fling his shield to deflect it, but before it could leave his fingers, Sam had scooped Darcy off of the ground, taken the blast of energy to his left wing, decimating it entirely, but still managed to adjust his balance so that he got Darcy far enough away from the smoldering remains of his wing.

 

“Hey!  X-assholes!” Johnny shouted over the comms.  “You guys need to work on the friendly fire maneuvers!”

 

“We’re on our way,” Bucky said quickly as Helen’s audible panic could be heard over the feed.

 

Steve rushed to Darcy and Sam, dropping the shield and falling to his knees in front of Darcy and clutching his arms around her.  Sam’s eyes widened at the sight of Steve’s very quick tears and trembling hands as he pressed his face into Darcy’s stomach.  

 

“Sweetheart,” Steve managed to choke out.  

 

“Sorry,” she whispered, her hands pushing his cowl back and stroking his hair soothingly.  “Let’s, let’s go to the quinjet, we can go and pick up Stony’s babies.  C’mon, Steve, it’s okay, I’ll stop playing around now.”

 

“God,” Steve gasped against her.  

 

Sam thought he had known how serious Steve and Darcy were, but apparently it wasn’t just pretty serious.  It was actually life changingly serious.  Steve scrambled to his feet when Darcy tried to pull him up, wrapping her up in an embrace that lifted her off of her feet.  Darcy managed to turn her own tear-streaked face to the side to give a soft smile to Sam.

 

“Thank you, Sammy,” she whispered. 

 

“Of course,” Sam nodded.  

 

“Sam,” Steve turned to face him, his face the picture of gratitude.  “I owe you... _ everything _ .”

 

“Sure man,” Sam smiled.  “Go on, take her to the quinjet.”

 

Natasha checked her over first, as best as she could as Steve lifted her so that her legs wrapped around his waist and her head was in his neck, whispering her apologies against his skin.  Once she was certain that Darcy was fine, she put her hand on her comm and said softly,

 

“Barnes, tell Helen to calm down, she’s fine.  Hold your position.  And if anyone could tell whoever was trigger happy that we are in a cease fire situation here, that’d be great.  I see another shot?  I’m going to get annoyed.”

 

Natasha took deep even breaths as Steve left the battlefield with Darcy.  She tried to reach for some semblance of calm, but found it wouldn’t come.  Darcy always found dangerous situations, but her life had never really been that close to peril before.  If Sam hadn’t of gotten to her in time, the blast that had destroyed his wing would have---

 

“It’s alright,” Sam whispered, having muted his comm.  He did the same for hers before, putting his hand on her shoulder, grasping and giving what comfort he could, he could feel her skin through the tears on her suit and he closed his eyes as the adrenaline crashed through him.

 

Natasha nodded before turning very quickly, her hands reaching for Sam’s face, bringing him down so that she could press her lips against his, soft and chaste and full of feeling.

 

“ _ Wwwhhhaaat on Earth have I missed these last few months? _ ” Tony demanded.

 

“Thank you,” Natasha whispered when she pulled away, looking up into those dark brown eyes with all the genuine emotion she had, which was considerable despite being hidden behind a mask most days.  

 

“My pleasure,” Sam nodded.  The  _ thing _ let out an annoyed roar, and Sam blew out a slow, quiet breath before un-muting his comm, “Alright Pigeon Face, get directions from Jane on how to turn these sticks into their  _ beam me up Scotty  _ function.  Once the little stone babies get here, we can get this mess cleaned up.”

 

* * *

* * *


	9. The Taming of Sam Wilson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Happy Monday. I hope this makes it a little more bearable for you.

**Chapter Nine:  The Taming of Sam Wilson**

 

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_ And so we come to the end of our tale… _

 

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“ _ WHAT?”  _ Volstagg demanded.  “But---the babe!”

 

“What babe?” Thor asked with falsified innocence.

 

“Do not toy with me, son!” Odin grumbled.

 

“You are an evil storyteller,” Volstagg bemoaned.  “The way in which you play with my feelings is cruel and capricious.”

 

“You promised more than three heart matches,” Hogun reminded Thor over the sounds of Volstagg’s wailing.

 

“Ahh, yes, so I did,” Thor nodded.  “The night we sent the rock beast back to its home, young Pietro was introduced by Stark to a young X-Man warrior.  Jubilee.  It was quite adorable.”

 

“Is that all?” Sif furrowed her brow.

 

“Johnny of the Storms found his own heart match eventually during his time at Professor Xavier’s school for the gifted, although he needn’t of looked very far,” Thor shrugged.  “There are times when what you were looking for is directly in front of your face.”

 

“But who?” Fandral wondered.  “I found no clues in your story.”

 

“You shall see,” Thor nodded.  “The festival is but a short time away.  I will invite all of my friends and you will see how it all turned out.”

 

His crew seemed to agree, with varying degrees of petulance.  He clapped his hands together and nodded, “And now I shall tell you the exciting tale of my son’s deflowering!”

 

* * *

 

“Red!  Where is your luggage?”  

 

Sam zipped up his bag full of the things he would need for his four days in Asgard.  Thor hadn’t been forthcoming with the details of the mysterious festival, and Jane and Darcy were having the time of their lives giving him a different description each time.  He honestly didn’t know what to pack.  Jane had told him about an Asgardian style mud run.  Darcy had told him about an indoor wave pool.  Then Jane had said something about a gladiator tournament that involved competitive eating.  And Darcy had just told him that morning about a cross dressing competition that all first time visitors had to participate in.

 

She had actually gotten Steve worried about that one as he had asked Sam where they were going to find dresses that would fit his shoulders.

 

“Red!  Stop using all the hot water!” Sam called out obnoxiously.

 

She always used up all the hot water.

 

“There is a solution to me using all the hot water, it’s called joining me,” Natasha smirked as she emerged from the bathroom with the smallest white towel wrapped snugly around her body.  She pushed his bag off the bed and gracefully lay across it, a playful eyebrow arched his way.

 

“Asgard.  Clothing.  In a bag,” Sam picked up his bag and put it on the bureau.  He turned and said, “Unless I’m packing for you?”

 

He could do it too.

 

The living arrangements for their small social group/family had changed pretty quickly after the stone and metal mommy beast and all of her tiny acid spitting children had been beamed back home.  

 

Steve had taken all of Darcy’s things and moved it into his room while she was having Helen look over her and Nat in medical.  In the week that followed, as Vision had given in and encouraged Helen to pursue a worthy Bucky, the good doctor may have also abandoned Natasha in her suite to spend nearly all of her nights in Bucky’s bed.

 

Five people in one suite was apparently against regulation (that Darcy had invented as head of the new Avenger’s Facility Regulation Committee), and Sam found that after his third solo date with Natasha, that he had spent the night in her bed, and had subsequently never moved back out.

 

Nick Fury had been most pleased, all around.  

 

“Stop rifling through my things,” Natasha pushed the heel of her left foot against his hip.

 

“Your things,” Sam chuckled, opening the top drawer of their bureau where her incredibly high end underthings were mingling with his fruit of the looms.  He grabbed a random handful of panties and bras and took them to his bag.  “Should I just pack your favorite catsuits or four of my t-shirts for you to wander around in?”

 

“I don’t need clothing,” Natasha shrugged, her smirk playful and downright beguiling.

 

“Hell yes you do!” Sam countered.  “I’m not having those Asgardian beefcakes staring at your pretties.  They’re my pretties.”

 

Natasha arched a brow.

 

“They’re  _ your  _ pretties,” Sam corrected himself.  “That you deign to show only me.  And really, Darcy’s been telling me stories about this Fandral character.  She even has Bucky worried that Helen is in danger of being wooed away.   _ Helen _ , who loves Bucky just as much as she loves donuts.”

 

“Darcy didn’t tell you that we will be provided with appropriate clothing?” Natasha shrugged.  “Seems like her to try to drive you a little crazy.  She’s been bored lately.”

 

“Yeah, being taken out of active duty might do that to you,” Sam shook his head, zipping up his bag and going back to the bed, plopping down so that he was face to face with the Black Widow, who he so happened to call his girlfriend for the last two months.  “So am I going to get badass armor?”

 

“Maybe,” Natasha shrugged, her hands going for the front of his shirt, balling up fabric in her hands and pulling him even closer.

 

“Are  _ you _ going to get badass armor?” Sam wondered hopefully.  

 

“You never know,” Natasha smiled into the kiss he placed on her lips.

 

“I bet you’re gonna look hella fine in the badass armor,” Sam waggled his eyebrows.  He looked at her expectantly, moving his lips away from hers as he waited for her response.

 

She huffed out a sigh before rolling her eyes.  “You’re going to look really great too.”

 

“Damn straight.”

 

* * *

 

“You sure you and Wanda don’t want to come along with, pal?”

 

Vision looked to Bucky as they finished up in the kitchen in Vision’s quarters.  Vision was washing the dishes they had dirtied in their joint preparation of their dish for the potluck luncheon that Darcy was throwing prior to everyone’s departure.  Bucky was diligently drying and shelving the dishes in the kitchen he was very familiar with.  He and Vision would hang out in his suite a few times a week, as Aunt Darcy had helpfully informed Vision that time spent bonding with his eventual step-father would be time well spent.  

 

“No, while my father Thor would love to have me visit Asgard, I believe that my duty is to accompany Wanda to New York City,” Vision nodded.  “We must put in our shift within the halls of the Baxter Building to promote inter-team unity.”

 

“Uh huh,” Bucky nodded knowingly.  “And it might be nice to spend a little quality time in the city with your girlfriend?”

 

“Yes, it might be,” Vision nodded.  “I’ve written down all the helpful hints you’ve given on potential dates in the city.  I am sure that we shall enjoy our time at Coney Island.”

 

“I’m sure you will, bring a jacket though, it’ll be cold,” Bucky smiled.  He clapped his hand on Vision’s shoulder and said, “Your ma and I will come and visit you for Christmas time.  Maybe I’ll even convince your Aunt Darcy and Uncle Steve to come along.”

 

“He is not my uncle,” Vision reminded Bucky helpfully.  “He has not even proposed marriage to the woman he claims to love and cherish.”

 

“Aww, pal, give him some time,” Bucky grinned.  “Stevie’s the man with a plan, after all.”

 

“He is running out of time,” Vision gave Bucky a knowing look.  

 

“Don’t you worry your bald head about it,” Bucky assured him.  

 

“And---you have said the city is romantic at Christmas time,” Vision said slyly.  “I want you to know that I would support you, should you be asking my mother any important questions.”

 

“That’s real good to know, pal,” Bucky nodded.  “Real good to know.”

 

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“I am so eager to see the young lovers,” Volstagg cooed as he stood in between Sif and Fandral as they waited in the welcoming room, dressed in their finest armor for the guests that Heimdal was currently transporting.  The large, bearded warrior was bouncing on the tips of his toes, his round cheeks flushed red.  “I do hope that their love has only grown stronger since Thor has left Midgard.”

 

“Perhaps Lady Darcy has seen the error of her ways,” Fandral said hopefully.  “Perhaps their courting was so quick and has extinguished with matching speed.”

 

“YOU BASTARD!” Volstagg growled, turning to Fandral angrily.  

 

Luckily, Hogun was on Fandral’s other side, and smacked the villain upside his head.

 

“True love will win the day,” Hogun said sagely.  

 

“And the babes will be most beautiful,” Volstagg nodded happily.

 

“My friends!” Thor called out, walking into the room ahead of the guests.  He nodded to Odin, who was hovering at the other side of the room.  “Our guests have arrived.  May I present to you Johnny of the Storms.”

 

Hogun reached out and clapped his hand excitedly on Fandral’s forearm.  Thor grinned at him knowing that at that particular moment, he had created a moment of suspense for his dear friends.

 

“He is the lucky escort of the fearsome and all knowing Agent Maria Hill,” Thor ushered the lady in, who had a bemused look on her face as she looked around the opulent room. 

 

“Holy Norns!” Fandral muttered.  He gave Hill an arch of his eyebrow.  “You told me you had little interest in men.”

 

“Yeah,” Maria nodded, feeling that she needed no other answer for the Asgardian who constantly hit on her and everyone else whenever he visited Midgard with Thor.

 

“She has no problem with man-children,” Johnny smiled winningly, winking at Sif and earning a cuff upside the head from Maria.  Johnny shrugged, taking it in stride.  “I like being handled.”

 

“Thor!  Where is Sif, she promised me that she’d have the charts of the moons---oh, hey everyone,” Jane’s eyes widened in surprise at the formal crowd gathered.  

 

“Lady Jane!  Future Queen of Asgard!” Volstagg gave a deep bow, which was quickly copied by the rest of the crew.  

 

“Hey,” Jane waved with very reluctant enthusiasm.  

 

“You did not allow me to introduce you,” Thor pouted, reaching a brawny arm around her waist and hauling her to him.  “I worked very hard on listing your credentials.  There was a bit of poetry, my Jane.”

 

“Sorry honey,” Jane smiled, not really actually all that sorry.  “Just to let you know, that Natasha is being distracted by Sam, and Darcy is thirty seconds away from plotting something nefarious with Rogers.”

 

“Delightful,” Odin chuckled.

 

“Ah, then yes, perhaps James and Dr. Helen should enter first,” Thor nodded.  “To leave Natasha to supervise.”

 

“You are wise and just,” Jane gave him a slow grin before kissing him again.  

 

“Oh for the love of,” Natasha could be heard just outside the door, huffing as Jane and Thor continued to kiss.  “Now introducing Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, escort to the brilliant Dr. Helen Cho.”

 

“Holding of hands!” Volstagg cooed as they walked in, Bucky’s left hand clutched in Helen’s right hand.  

 

“Woah,” Helen looked around at the room in wonder.  “This is amazing.”

 

“I like her,” Odin declared.

 

“Now introducing Samuel Thomas Son of Wil,” Natasha called out from the hallway.  “Escort to the deadly and fearsome Lady Natasha the Terrible.”

 

They walked in arm in arm, not giving the Asgardians a chance to react before Natasha called out, “And introducing Ste---”

 

“I wanted to introduce them,” Thor disengaged from Jane’s lips.  

 

“Tick tock, you can’t leave them in the hallway alone,” Sam reminded Thor.  

 

“Captain of the America, Steven Grant Rogers and escorting the chosen Princess of Asgard, Darcy Marie Lewis,” Thor said quickly.  

 

There was no answer, and Steve and Darcy did not walk into the room.

 

“It was  _ five  _ seconds,” Maria grumbled.  

 

“Let us hunt for the mischievous Odinsdottir!” Odin called out.  “A prize to the worthy one who finds her!”

 

Natasha found them half an hour later, naked in a field.  She waited patiently for them to be dressed and they met Sam on the way back to the castle.  

 

“You could have insulted Odin,” Sam smacked Steve upside his hard head.  Since saving Darcy’s life two months ago, he had been given a lifetime free pass on all the hitting of Steve he could want.  He took advantage of it during Steve and Darcy’s less than stellar impulse control moments.  

 

“Pffft, impossible,” Darcy waved him off.  “Ever since the whole Dark Elf fiasco, Odin’s been much more chill.  He loves me loads and will congratulate me on my endlessly loving heart.”

 

An hour later, the rest of the Asgardians and guests had been gathered back into the welcoming room, only to see that Darcy was fast asleep, cuddled against the chest of Captain America.  

 

“My precious daughter is not well?” Odin furrowed his brow.

 

“She’s alright, your---majesty?” Bucky wondered, looking to Helen for help. “Highness?”

 

“Allfather?” Helen helpfully supplied.  “This is perfectly normal for Darcy at this stage---”

 

“Oh hey, it’s my Asgardian dad, waddup, Odin?  Hugs?” Darcy sleepily mumbled, wiggling in Steve’s grasp so that he would put her down. 

 

He did so gently, and reverently and Volstagg shrieked and fainted straight away, for surely, Darcy had the protruding bump of an impending babe behind her cozy sweater.  Odin’s eyes lit up and he held out his arms.

 

“This is a great surprise!” Hogun grinned ear to ear, going to Steve to shake his hand in the traditional Asgardian forearm clasp.  

 

“Really?  Thought Thor would tell you,” Steve smiled.  “He’s a fan of spinning a yarn, that’s for sure.”

 

“Surely, you knew of the babe when you battled the stone beast,” Sif furrowed her brow.

 

“Yeah, we had found out by then,” Steve nodded.  “Just Helen and Darcy and I though.  Wanted to get to the three month mark before we shared the good news.”

 

“I knew,” Natasha shrugged at Steve.  “Three weeks before the two of you figured it out.”

 

“Know-it-all,” Sam rolled his eyes at her.

 

“This is a delight to watch,” Sif grinned.  Her eyes got impossibly brighter as Rhodey walked into the welcoming room, going straight to him to get the good details about the relationship between Natasha and Sam.

 

“We shall feast in honor of your Captain’s virility and my daughter’s noble blessing!” Odin declared, wrapping an arm around a happy Darcy as he led her out into the castle.  

 

“Should we wake him?” Fandral wondered, pushing his foot against Volstagg’s shoulder.

 

The Asgardian warrior looked happy and content in his unconsciousness, a soft smile on his face and a blush on his cheeks.  Thor grinned down at his friend, knowing that the surprise had been worth it.  

 

“Nay, let him dream,” Thor nodded.  “Of all the love matches and happy endings.”

 

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_ And they all lived happily ever after. _  
  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep your eyes peeled for what's coming next! I'm very excited about it. And I've been known to post sneak peeks on my tumblr find me there phoenix-173.


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